"Give Me the Beat, Boys & Free My Soul"

This weekend we went to a local amphitheatre to see a Jack Johnson concert.  It was such a perfectly relaxing and fun way to draw a busy summer to a close.

I would show you a picture, but the website said "no cameras" and I'm a pathological rule-follower, so I chickened out at the last minute, and didn't bring my camera in.  Of course, once we were inside, everyone else was taking pictures, and I instantly regretted leaving ours in the car.  Not enough to trudge fifteen minutes back through the puddles and mud to the car to get it, though.

So, in lieu of a picture, here's my artistic interpretation in colored pencil:

Before it started raining.

Music has always been a big part of both of our lives.

I grew up listening to my dad's old Bob Dylan, Eagles, and Simon & Garfunkel albums.  In high school, I used to make mix tapes with those songs (and a smattering of Pearl Jam, Indigo Girls, and Counting Crows thrown in) to play on the little tape player I carried around in my 1973 VW Beetle.

Amber remembers rocking out in the back seat of her mom's car, listening to David Bowie 8-tracks while they'd run errands together.  When she was old enough to drive herself, she used to sit in the parking lot of the community college where she was taking an early enrollment class, and blare Melissa Etheridge's "Yes I Am" album over and over again.

Throughout our relationship, music--especially live music--has continued to be important to our lives.  We like all sorts of stuff, but most of our favorites are singer-songwriters..."chicks with guitars,"  or "sensitive poet boys."  Amber's a little more rocking than I am.  She's a sucker for a good beat, and loves to drum along on the wheel as she drives.  I get sucked in by the meaning of the words.  All my personal mottos and mantras come from song lyrics.

In grad school, we spent most of our free time following the Indigo Girls to shows around the northeast.  Big amphitheatres, small club shows, benefit events, and festival concerts....we went to them all.  The Grateful Dead had "dead heads", Jimmy Buffett has "parrot heads,"  and for lack of a better term, I guess we were "indigo heads".

Their music carried me away from the stresses of a graduate program I hated.  Touring gave Amber and I the opportunity to spend hours on the road together, talking about life and love, and laughing about the fun experiences we were having each day.  We have so many great memories, and met so many wonderful people along the way.  We still laugh about standing in line for hours before shows, and having to run to Kmart to buy extra wool socks when we found out just how cold Somerset, MA is in the middle of winter!  But, being pressed up against the stage every night, surrounded by music, love, and friends made the cold early mornings, and the long late night drives completely worth it.

At an Indigo Girls concert in Albany, NY with some of our concert-going friends (2000).

View from the front row at a little club in Boston.

After grad school in New York, we came to Atlanta because we wanted to be in a big, diverse city with warm weather, and to be relatively close to both of our families.  But, honestly, the great music scene was a big draw for us too.  There are so many little hole-in-the-wall bars, small theaters, and "listening rooms" where you can hear great live music any day of the week.  We were lucky enough to see Atlanta natives, Sugarland, play one of their very first shows ever, and we watched them play at larger and larger venues around town as they started to make it big.

Sugarland returns to Eddie's Attic, in Decatur, GA, site of their first show

Now that we're older, have "real jobs", and generally are yawning and ready for bed between 10:00 and 11:00pm, we don't run all over the place to see concerts anymore.  We still enjoy the Indigo Girls, and try not to miss them whenever they are in town, but our days of touring are happy, but distant memories.  Our favorite "date night" activity now is a nice, relaxed concert...preferably one where we can sit down, have some wine and snacks, and be home in time not to regret it in the morning.  Jack Johnson was just that kind of show, and we're looking forward to seeing Brandi Carlile and the Avett Brothers at one of our favorite venues in September.

Although the way we see music has changed over the years, our love for the experience has not.  As we move into the "next phase" in our life, I'm looking forward to seeing music in a new way...through our child's eyes. We're looking forward to those lazy Sunday autumn afternoons when we can take our toddler (with proper ear protection, of course) to relax on a blanket with a picnic lunch, and listen to local bands playing at the Dogwood or Candler Park Festivals.  I can't wait to buy great children's music for our kid, and can already hear myself singing (loud and off-key, as per usual) to the indie rock and folk tunes of "Mary Had A Little Amp" in the car.  I hope that music will surround our child, and that he or she will grow up with music in his or her heart, the way Amber and I both have.

One (of many) of "our songs"....


x's&o's,
Michelle

Trust Women.

A few weeks ago, I read this article about why birth moms don't get the respect they deserve, and it has really stuck with me.

You should go read it right now. (Go ahead....I'll wait right here until you get back.)

The article talks a great deal about the stereotypes that exist in our society about adoption.  The major one being the three-pronged doozy that frames the "adoption triad" (i.e., adoptive parents, child, birth mom) as follows:  "Adoptive parents are saints/angels/selfless people who are rescuing/saving a lucky baby from a young, scared, unprepared, irresponsible, poor, uneducated girl who "got herself pregnant" and then just decided to "give her baby away" on a whim."

Can I get a resounding "BOOOOO!!" to that?!  I mean seriously.

There are SO many things wrong with that stereotype, I don't even know where to start.  The nurse in me wants to start with the "got herself pregnant" part.  I've seen a lot of things in the hospital, but I've yet to see a woman be able to impregnate herself.  Despite that, "got herself pregnant" sure is a popular turn of phrase.  But, I digress.

If you haven't heard adoptive parents, birth moms, and children placed for adoption described in these terms, you probably haven't spent much time talking about adoption.  I don't know where it comes from, or why it's so pervasive in our society, but I have my theories.  And, what's a blog for, if not for blathering on about one's theories?!  So, here goes.

Adoption makes a lot of people uncomfortable.  People don't like to be uncomfortable.  They like stories to be happy, and neat, and tied with little bows.  They don't like life to be sometimes messy, or decisions to be sometimes painfully difficult.  When they think about adoption in the terms I described above, they feel more comfortable.  The story has a simple and happy ending, when it's just about heroes (adoptive parents) rescuing a baby.  And if there's a hero, there must be a villain, and people just comfortably slip into the idea that the birth mom must fit that role.  And the added bonus of that view is that if she's the villain, they don't have to worry about her feelings, or her thoughts.  In fact, many people just take the extra step of deciding to just deny that she even HAS thoughts or feelings.  Because it's much easier to just assume she rolled out of bed one day, noticed herself pregnant, and made a snap decision to place her child with just any old family she could find.

I don't know many women who have made the decision to place their children for adoption.  Not in person, anyways.  But, from what I do know, I am here to promise you that who most people assume a "birth mother" is, is not even remotely close to the truth.

Take, for instance, the movie Juno. Sure, it was a happy little story, tied up with a Hollywood bow.  It didn't show the real life struggle, pain, and confusion that women considering placing go through.  It didn't show the normal grieving process they go through after placement.  But, in all the various backlash about the movie, the thing that sticks out to me most was the complaint made by some that real-life birth mothers aren't this smart, this witty, this driven, or this sure of themselves and their decision.

From what I've seen, real-life birth moms very much ARE all of those things.  And more.

At our agency's workshops, I've had the opportunity to hear birth moms speak on why they chose open adoption, and what life is like after placement.  I've watched real birthmothers on "Adoption Diaries" (basically "A Baby Story" for open adoption) go through the matching and relinquishment process alongside the adoptive couples they chose for their child.  Catelynn from MTV's "16 & Pregnant" and "Teen Mom" is one of my favorite people on TV.  I love how she and Tyler show each and every week that placing a child for adoption does not make you any less of a parent.  There is not enough space on the internet for me to talk about the many amazing women who blog about their experiences as first moms in open adoptions on a daily basis.

All of these women have every bit of the confidence, the brains, and the commitment to making a heart-wrenchingly difficult decision, because they know in their heart of hearts that it's the right decision not just for themselves, but for their child.  Ellen Page's character in Juno barely even holds a candle to them.

I don't know how or when things will change for how some people view women who place their children for adoption.  I do think that open adoption has been a catalyst for change that has already started, and it will continue to help drive change forward.  As we bring adoption out of the shadows, and more and more women can openly and proudly claim the title of birth mother (or first mother), more people will see birth mothers for who they really are.  And, if anyone wants my opinion on the matter (and, even if they don't)...well, I'm more than happy to oblige.......

x's&o's,
Michelle