How Do You Measure a Year?

Today marks the one year anniversary of the official start of our journey in open adoption. A year ago today, we were sitting in a small conference room with four other couples and a social worker, learning everything we needed to know about the adoption process. We were so excited, so nervous, so hopeful for what was yet to come.

We were ready, and we were motivated. We were gonna knock this paperwork out in the first month, and surely have our birthmother letter together in that time, as well. Sure, the FBI fingerprinting was backed up--they were saying it was taking 12 weeks on average--but by the time that was done, we should be good to go. On the books and waiting by April, we figured. We could hardly wait!

We wondered if we'd have a baby by May, and how that would impact our trip to the Bahamas for Amber's sister's wedding. How long does it take to get an infant a passport, anyhow?! Another couple excitedly talked about having their baby over the summer, so they'd have time to set up the nursery and be on maternity leave before school started in the fall. We figured if we didn't have a baby before summer, we'd for sure be celebrating our baby's first Christmas this year!

That would be last Christmas, for those of you keeping track. The one that just passed. The one where we didn't have a child. Just so we're all on the same page.

I'm not bitter. Good things come to those who wait, right? It's just funny to think back now on what we were thinking a year ago.

We had no idea.

We had no idea that writing our birthmother letter was going to be a multi-month process of combing through pictures, and writing and re-writing, and re-writing again. It's hard to put yourselves, your whole life, and everything you believe you can offer a child as parents into 950 words and 12 pictures. It's even harder when you realize those four color glossy pages are all a woman has to go by when she's sorting through a box of brochures from the agency, or skimming through 11 pages of search results on a website.

We can only be ourselves, and that's all we want to be. But, will this picture or that sentence be the one that sorts us into the 'yes', 'no', or 'maybe' pile for that special person who's looking for parents for her child? Each word you write, each picture you select, you imagine that scenario all over again.

They tell us in our weekend seminar at the agency that oftentimes it is just one little thing--a feeling, a connection--that leads a woman to choose a family for her child. One woman told the agency she picked her child's parents because they had a picture of a chicken on their letter. She really liked chickens, and that's what stood out to her. Now, I'm sure the decision was a lot more complex than that. She got to know them, they fit together, and everything just felt right. But the fact remains, their decision to put a chicken on the letter is what put them in the running.

Stories like that make you paranoid. What will it be for us? Not chickens, certainly, because their beady little eyes freak me out, and when I worked in a petting zoo, I had to clean chicken coops and it was DIS-GUST-ING. But still, the parable lingers, and it adds a weight to every decision you make. So, needless to say, it didn't take a month. It took many months to complete our birthmother letter. And don't even get me started on the part where we had to choose the graphics, colors, and design. I still have a twitch in my left eye because of it, I'm pretty sure.

We had no idea.

We had no idea how long we'd agonize over the home study paperwork. We each had to write narratives about our lives, our childhoods, our relationship, and our philosophies on parenting. Nobody besides the social worker was likely to ever see them. But they would give her the basis to write our home study, the document that tells the state we are fit to be parents. So--good students that we are--we took it quite seriously. We thought long and hard about what we thought, and how to say it. It was actually a good experience. It's probably one that everyone who's considering parenting--adoptive or biological--should go through. It gave us the opportunity to truly sit down, think, and really discuss the life we want our child to have, the values and knowledge we hope to instill in him or her, and how we will go about parenting. After that, the physical exams, drug tests, 911 call reports, fingerprinting, rabies vaccinations (for the dogs, not us), home visits from the social worker, and installing a cart-load of childproofing supplies from Home Depot were a snap.

When we finally finished all of our pre-adoption paperwork, our birthmother letter, our website, and our iheartadoption profile, we breathed a giant collective sigh of relief. "Phew!..That's over!," we thought. We patted ourselves on the backs for surviving a hectic and stressful six months. We congratulated ourselves for being such a strong and loving couple, for supporting one another through the difficult stints, remembering to laugh, and always growing stronger together. And then the waiting started.

We had no idea.

We had no idea what the waiting would really be like. We were prepared for it to take awhile. We were prepared to go for a long time without a single contact. We had already discovered that our 1-800 number was very similar to one for MetLife, so we were prepared to continue to get calls that weren't really for us.

"It's a lot like dating."  That's what they told us in the weekend seminar at the agency. Neither Amber nor I dated much. We found each other, we putzed around like idiots for a few months as we tried to navigate the awkward beginnings of a relationship, and then we just fit. And thirteen years later, here we are. So, we figured that's what this would be like. Eventually someone would contact us, we'd get to know each other, we'd decide this felt right to all involved, and a few months later, she'd place her child in our loving arms. End of story. Happily ever after, and all that.

But that's not what happened. Instead, we were on some sort of speed dating train that had jumped the tracks. Perhaps they should have been more specific in the seminar. "It's a lot like the kind of dating you see in a crazy romantic comedy". That's what they should tell folks, if anyone wants my opinion.

Less than a week after we went on the books, we got a call. A real call. We weren't prepared for that. But we took it as it came. And then we got another. And then an email. Two emails. Another call. In the first two months we were 'on the books' we were contacted by five different women considering us as parents for her child.

It was exciting and terrifying in a way I can't quite explain. It was both exhilarating and stressful. We were all adoption, all the time. Eating, sleeping, and accomplishing anything substantial at work or at home were things of the past. Our friends and family stood expectantly by, congratulating us on our good fortune. Other waiting couples, who had yet to receive a contact, joked that ours was not such a bad problem to have. And it wasn't. It was gratifying to know that women were finding us, and they were considering us as parents for their child. We tentatively allowed ourselves to hope that this process would go even faster than we had originally hoped. We didn't want to jinx ourselves, but we were starting to feel like perhaps we were "good" at this adoption thing, whatever that means.

But, as time after time, emails weren't returned, conversations went dead, or we learned that someone we were talking to had chosen another family, we began to feel quite a bit less sure of ourselves. Were we going to be always the bridesmaid, never the bride? Was our birthmother letter too good? Did the 'real life' us pale in comparison to the 4 page color glossy brochure of us? Was I too shy and awkward? Was Amber too chatty and quick to fill the silence in phone conversations? Did we say something wrong? Do something wrong? Not say something right? What if it went on and on like this, contact after contact, with nobody ever picking us?

And all of this was before a very damaged young woman scammed the pants off of us for nearly two months. But let's not speak of that little blip in our adoption journey.  Ever.  Again.  Mmkay? Great.

We had no idea.

We had no idea we'd come through all the craziness that happened in the first six months of waiting, and find a balanced life on the other side. Things have slowed down considerably since the beginning. We have had quite a lull over the holidays, in truth. And yes, there has been an inkling of 'Omigod....what if we NEVER get another call?!' in our minds. But I think it is a good thing. It is the time we need to rejuvenate ourselves. It allows us to catch up on life, to focus on something other than adoption. To remember that this is a process, and it may be a long one. And we can't put our lives on hold until it's over, because we don't know how long that will be. We're once again enjoying romantic dinners out, and relaxing evenings in. We're trying to travel (damn you, Snowpacalypse 2011...), spend time with friends, and enjoy the little things that won't be so easy once we are a family of three.

And maybe--right this minute--as you sit here reading this blog, somewhere else our future child's mother sits there looking at our website, opening our birthmother brochure, or picking up the phone to dial our number.

We have no idea.

x's&o's,

Michelle

"Dear Birthmother,"

I took 11 years of dance as a child...ballet, tap, jazz. I was a cheerleader for 5 years. I even dabbled in gymnastics.

Amber is freakishly double-jointed by nature. I joke that it's her body's attempt to protect itself, because she's also spectacularly prone to falling down. The path her body manages to take between upright and flat on the ground makes Olympic divers' medal winning performances look simplistic.

With all this flexibility between us--learned or natural-born--you'd think we'd be skilled at bending and contorting ourselves into particular shapes. You'd think we'd be great at squeezing ourselves into small spaces. Turns out when that small space is a 4-page color glossy brochure, and the entirety of our lives and what makes us special is the thing we're trying to twist and mold into it, no amount of flexibility is enough.

But, that's what writing a so-called "Dear Birthmother" letter required. So, that's what we set out to do.

For those of you saying "A 'Dear Who' what?!," lemme just say, I'm with you on the mild confusion by and slight distaste for the very title. I mean, who says that? It feels a little presumptious, really. To refer to someone as the woman who will give birth to the child that will some day become ours--when we don't even know her, haven't even met her--feels strange.

And for her...maybe she hasn't even completely decided what to do yet. She's considering her options.

Or maybe not. Maybe she's already decided--like we have--that open adoption just feels right.

But either way, I imagine her sitting there, sifting through 4-page color glossy brochures, and suddenly--there we are--warm and smiling, staring up at her from the page. And she decides to look just a little closer, and learn just a little more about who we are.....

And so--without further ado--here they are.......the four glossy color pages that represent our very best attempt to show her, truly, who Michelle Pratt and Amber Amari really are:

Michelle and Amber's Open Adoption "Dear Birthmother Letter"

x's&o's,

Michelle

Living the Life We're Writing About

Ok, so apparently I'm not going to be very good at this blogging thing. It's been over a month since my last post. 

We're still busily plugging away at our adoption stuff.  We're just days away from "final file approval", the last step before we will be officially ready to wait to adopt.  Our home study is done. We have a great "birthmother letter" finished.  We hired a wonderful designer to make it look pretty, and as soon as our adoption coordinator approves it, we'll send it off to the printer!  I've been working on our website, we have our 1-800 number up and running, and we're getting ready to set up a Facebook page.

It's hard, sometimes, when you're devoting so much time to trying to package your exciting life into a perfect 4 page color glossy brochure to have any time left over to actually live your exciting life!  But we're doing our best.  So, in honor of that, here's a list of some of the fun things we've been doing since I blogged last....

We pretended it was 1985...I volunteer for a local women's health group in Atlanta, and our end-of-the-year fundraiser this year was a 1980's-themed party. The committee I'm on put a lot of time and effort into organizing this event, and it turned out really well! Amber and I had so much fun making our costumes, and laughing at how silly we looked. I had so much gel and hairspray in my hair, it was ridiculous! I even made a faux-mullet for Amber. The picture doesn't even do it justice.

I still laugh out loud when I see this pic!

We went to Mexico...We were lucky enough to attend our second destination wedding of the year when my cousin Chris got married in Playa del Carmen, Mexico. The wedding was small, beautiful, and right on the beach. We had a great time with my parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The most relaxing part for me was laying out on the beach while eating chicken nachos from the hotel restaurant. It doesn't get better than that!! We also had a great jet ski adventure, and Amber went parasailing with my dad. Mom and I watched from the safety of the beach!!

Amber & I with my Mom & Dad in Mexico.

Getting ready for our jet ski adventure!

We had Amber's mom come visit...Amber's mom came up from Orlando to spend a week with us at the end of May. We had a great time together. She and Amber went to the farmer's market and picked out fresh ingredients to make a great Sicilian meal. We enjoyed the warm Atlanta weather, grilling out in our backyard, and we took Amber's mom to one of our favorite sea food restaurants in Atlanta. Eating great food was definitely the theme that week!

Amber's mom & I relaxing our our backyard patio

Amber & her mom grill up some great chicken & veggie burgers

Amber visited Macon...Amber and her mom also spent the day in nearby Macon, Georgia, visiting Amber's great grandmother, Nanny.  Nanny is such an amazing woman.  She's 96 years old and still lives in her own house, next door to the general store she and Granddaddy once operated. Nanny's excited about our plan to adopt, and is looking forward to meeting her great-great-grandchild one day!

Amber & Nanny.

We built a playground....Our good friends Katie & Nicole bought a GIANT playground for their two children, and we helped them build it.  I was in charge of everything organizational...there were so many nuts, bolts, and pieces of wood, and the manual was thicker than the dictionary!  Amber and Nicole did the actual dirty work of drilling, hammering, and nailing.  In the end, the playground looks amazing.  Their kids love it, and I know our child will enjoy it one day too!

I almost look like I know what I'm doing!

Amber & Nicole work on the playground platforms.

We gardened....Amber and I are both trying our hands at gardening lately.  We have a big yard, lots of plants, two decks, a swing, and a fenced area for the dogs.  I like to make things pretty, so I've been trying to grow some flowers around the yard.  So far, I've successfully kept begonias, zinnias, and marigolds alive!  We also have some beautiful lilies, azaleas and hydrangeas that bloom each year.  Amber has started an herb garden as well this year.  We're looking forward to flavoring our grilled meats and veggies with fresh dill, thyme, basil, and rosemary from our yard!  If all goes well with the herbs, we're gonna move on to vegetables next.  Fingers crossed!!

My pretty orange flowers

The herb garden.

So, that's what we've been up to over the last month or so!  My next post will be when we are officially on the books and will include the final draft of our birthmother letter.

Here's hoping my next post will be soon!

x's&o's,
Michelle

Ketchup.

I sorta got ahead of myself. Or behind myself, really.

You see, the thing is, we've been on this little "adoption journey" of ours for almost 4 months now. And I'm only just now getting around to starting a blog. Forgive me, it's been a bit busy around here, what with the adoption stuff and all.

Anywho...this post is so you can catch up. (Ketchup? get it?.......ha!)

In January, we went to a weekend workshop on open adoption, and signed up with the wonderful agency we're working with. That's them over there in the links section. We like them because they're social workers, and they care not just about us, but about the pregnant women that come to them for help, too.

I really believe they want what's best for everyone involved in adoption.

By working with them, we're ensuring that we, our child, and our child's birthmother will all have access to free counseling while the child grows up. Because our agency has good ethics, and a good head on its shoulders, we're also ensuring that there won't be any shady business in our adoption. None of that "semi-open" stuff.....a.k.a, you'll see the adoptive parents at first, but good luck finding them after the baby is born, because they won't tell you their last names or where they live.

When we say "open" we mean it, and so does our agency. Whoever chooses us will know everything she wants to know about us. That's how we want it, and that's how our agency rolls.

In February, we pretty much ran around like chickens with our heads cut off, trying to get all of our paperwork together.

What kind of paperwork, you wonder? EVERY kind of paperwork. Seriously. Pretty much anything you could imagine...it was on the list. Tax records? check. Proof of insurance (house, car, and medical)? check. Physical exams for us? check. Physical exams for the dogs? check. FBI and state fingerprint clearances? check. References from friends...references from family....references from employers? triple check.

It was a lot of work. But you know what...so's having a child. People pitied us. They told us how it was crazy that "anybody could just go and have a baby", and that it was awful we were "being forced to do all this." It's not that we didn't appreciate the sympathy.

But, honestly folks....some woman out there is going to be considering us as parents to raise her baby. If I was her, I would damn well want to know that we'd been checked six ways from Sunday before I made such a selfless gift, and placed a baby in our arms. So, really, I'm ok with it. I'm more than ok with it. I think it's a good thing.

In March, we finished up with our adoption questionnaires. These were basically dissertations on ourselves, our childhood, our relationship, and our beliefs on parenting. Because we are open to adopting a child who's race is different from our own, we also got to do an extra chapter on transracial adoption.

Boy, oh, boy. I haven't had that much fun since grad school! Actually, I kid...grad school sucked. This wasn't that bad. The best part was that Amber and I--goody-two-shoes that we are--refused to look at each other's papers while we were writing. When all was said and done tho, it turns out we wrote pretty much the same exact things about our relationship and our parenting philosophies. Being on the same page is a good thing.

In April, we started on our "Dear Birthmother" letter. Whoooo....that was a doozy. In fact, I'm gonna save that ordeal for a separate post. Suffice it to say, it's kinda hard to fit your whole lives and everything that makes you special into 4 glossy pages. Not to mention finding the appropriate 12 pictures to illustrate your awesomeness.

Luckily, April also brought Amber's sister's wedding in the Bahamas. So we got the chance to blow off a little steam in matching cornflower satin outfits:

Like the prom photo we never had.

The newlyweds: Amber's sister & our brand new brother-in-law

Hamming it up with the bride.

You can't really tell, but we're doing the "running man."

(I can't believe I just admitted that.)

In May, we returned from the Bahamas and found out our paperwork had been approved by the agency and we were ready for the home study. That's probably going to be its own post someday, too. Spoiler alert!!...It wasn't nearly as scary as it seemed. The social worker was great. She loved our dogs, and seemed to genuinely like us as well. Our smoke alarms functioned as promised, and the baby gates and childproof locks we installed passed the test, too. So, as soon as the social worker writes her little dissertation on us, we'll be officially approved to adopt! It's exciting stuff.

In the last week, we also got our "Dear Birthmother" letter text and pictures approved by the agency.

So, onward! Into June, our next step is to get the letter designed, the website up and running, and our profile linked to the agency's website.

And we will be OFFICIALLY.........waiting. We've waited a long time to be "waiting," and we couldn't be more excited to get our wait on.

x's&o's,

Michelle