Pennyslavia

I started this blog to talk about our adoption process.  Then, we actually started our adoption process, and things began to happen. Then, I chickened out and didn't want to write about it anymore.

Fear of jinxing, my generally shy and private nature, an inability to put it all into words...pick your favorite excuse.  But yes, my faithful blog reader(s), the truth is....I have been holding out on you.  But a month has passed, and I'm ready to 'fess up....so hop in the garbage-eating deLorean with me, and let's Marty McFly it back in time...

[Insert wavy visual effect and bloop-bloop-bloop time travel music here]

August 5, 2010

The phone rang.  

The 1-800 number appeared on the caller id.  

My heart couldn't even skip a beat before my rational, analytical brain reminded me that the call was probably just another wrong number.  Someone calling for WaMu or MetLife again.  Some old dude in middle management with his phone on speaker, and a confused "Um....uhh....I think I have the wrong number....." in reply to my non-automated system "Hello?".  I'd been through this so many times already in the little more than a week we'd been on the books.

But, it's good for one to practice one's warm (but not pressuring), friendly (but not overbearing), excited (but not too excited), "Hello?".  So, I sighed, and picked up the phone, and tried with all my might to convey in that one syllable what a sweet, caring, open person I am.  Just in case Rick from Iowa, who was trying to find out about his policy deductible or his overdrawn account balance, cared.

But, it wasn't Rick.

Instead, a woman's voice said "Is this Michelle or Amber?"  

Or maybe she said, "Can I speak with Michelle or Amber?".  Honestly, I don't remember exactly.  Because at the time, all I could hear was the blood rushing to my head, as my heart made up for that almost-skipped beat by banging double-time, right out of my very chest.  

Despite all appearances, I actually am a rather tough cookie...good head on my shoulders, the kind of person you'd want around in a crisis.  I'm a nurse, for godsakes...it's a job requirement!  But there I stood, in the kitchen, hanging on to the counter for dear life with one hand, frantically grasping around with the other for the cheesy "What to Say When a 'Birthmother' Calls" sheet the agency had told us to tack to the fridge door.  All the while, only being able to mentally process the smallest bits of information.

Her name (and I only got that right on the second try!).

Pregnant.

Saw our profile online.

That's about all I got out of the first minute or so.  The "What to Say" sheet was well-meaning, but rendered completely useless in my trembling hands.

But then she started talking.  And slowly, I was able to breathe again.  And, I mean really...thank god for her, because I was a wreck there at the beginning.  I'm sure she was nervous, too.  She had to be....right?!  I mean, what a phone call to make!  All I had to do was answer it, and I could barely even do that!

But if she was nervous, she certainly didn't show it.  We talked for about a half an hour.  We talked about adoption, and the dumb sappy things other people say on their profiles.  We talked about openness, and what we both thought it might look like in real life.  We talked about the child she's parenting, and the one she's pregnant with now.  We talked about what she wanted in life for both of them.

In the end, I do think we hit it off.  I can say at least that I--for one--liked her!  She seemed smart, very analytical and sure of herself.  She was nice, and friendly, and had clearly done a lot of thinking and research about open adoption. All qualities I truly appreciate in a person.

She called back that evening, after her child was asleep, and spoke with Amber for nearly an hour.  Those who know Amber and I are not at all surprised that she doubles me in conversation length.  I am a woman of few (spoken) words.  Amber is a woman of many.  (One of many reasons that we make a great team!)  It seemed like they hit it off really well, also.  They talked about all sorts of things...family, college, travel, life in Atlanta.  I even heard them laughing!  

But, we haven't heard from her again since that evening.  

I still think about her sometimes though, and I can only imagine what she's going through as she works though making her decision...whatever it may be.  Maybe she's decided to parent.  Maybe she's chosen a couple other than us to parent her child.  Or maybe, life is just really complex when you're parenting a young child, carrying another, and making an adoption plan.  She still has a few months before her baby is born, and I imagine a decision as important as this isn't one that you rush.

So, we wait.  And we hope we hear from her again.  But, we try not to get caught up in it, because we knew from the beginning that this was going to be a process.  We prepared for the fact that there would be "contacts" before "matches", and that it's all a little like dating (which, unfortunately, neither of us knows much about!).  Maybe she's "the one,"  or maybe "the one" is still out there, and we just haven't met her yet.

Either way, our "What to Say" sheet now has "Pennyslavia" permanently scrawled across it in my shaky blue handwriting.  Apparently when you're that nervous and in shock, and you're trying (as all nerds like me do) to take notes, all spelling, phonics, and geography knowledge fly out the window, and that's how you think the name of the state between Ohio and New Jersey is spelled.

Wait....is that a good baby name?!

KIDDING, KIDDING!!

x's&o's,

Michelle