Trust Women.

A few weeks ago, I read this article about why birth moms don't get the respect they deserve, and it has really stuck with me.

You should go read it right now. (Go ahead....I'll wait right here until you get back.)

The article talks a great deal about the stereotypes that exist in our society about adoption.  The major one being the three-pronged doozy that frames the "adoption triad" (i.e., adoptive parents, child, birth mom) as follows:  "Adoptive parents are saints/angels/selfless people who are rescuing/saving a lucky baby from a young, scared, unprepared, irresponsible, poor, uneducated girl who "got herself pregnant" and then just decided to "give her baby away" on a whim."

Can I get a resounding "BOOOOO!!" to that?!  I mean seriously.

There are SO many things wrong with that stereotype, I don't even know where to start.  The nurse in me wants to start with the "got herself pregnant" part.  I've seen a lot of things in the hospital, but I've yet to see a woman be able to impregnate herself.  Despite that, "got herself pregnant" sure is a popular turn of phrase.  But, I digress.

If you haven't heard adoptive parents, birth moms, and children placed for adoption described in these terms, you probably haven't spent much time talking about adoption.  I don't know where it comes from, or why it's so pervasive in our society, but I have my theories.  And, what's a blog for, if not for blathering on about one's theories?!  So, here goes.

Adoption makes a lot of people uncomfortable.  People don't like to be uncomfortable.  They like stories to be happy, and neat, and tied with little bows.  They don't like life to be sometimes messy, or decisions to be sometimes painfully difficult.  When they think about adoption in the terms I described above, they feel more comfortable.  The story has a simple and happy ending, when it's just about heroes (adoptive parents) rescuing a baby.  And if there's a hero, there must be a villain, and people just comfortably slip into the idea that the birth mom must fit that role.  And the added bonus of that view is that if she's the villain, they don't have to worry about her feelings, or her thoughts.  In fact, many people just take the extra step of deciding to just deny that she even HAS thoughts or feelings.  Because it's much easier to just assume she rolled out of bed one day, noticed herself pregnant, and made a snap decision to place her child with just any old family she could find.

I don't know many women who have made the decision to place their children for adoption.  Not in person, anyways.  But, from what I do know, I am here to promise you that who most people assume a "birth mother" is, is not even remotely close to the truth.

Take, for instance, the movie Juno. Sure, it was a happy little story, tied up with a Hollywood bow.  It didn't show the real life struggle, pain, and confusion that women considering placing go through.  It didn't show the normal grieving process they go through after placement.  But, in all the various backlash about the movie, the thing that sticks out to me most was the complaint made by some that real-life birth mothers aren't this smart, this witty, this driven, or this sure of themselves and their decision.

From what I've seen, real-life birth moms very much ARE all of those things.  And more.

At our agency's workshops, I've had the opportunity to hear birth moms speak on why they chose open adoption, and what life is like after placement.  I've watched real birthmothers on "Adoption Diaries" (basically "A Baby Story" for open adoption) go through the matching and relinquishment process alongside the adoptive couples they chose for their child.  Catelynn from MTV's "16 & Pregnant" and "Teen Mom" is one of my favorite people on TV.  I love how she and Tyler show each and every week that placing a child for adoption does not make you any less of a parent.  There is not enough space on the internet for me to talk about the many amazing women who blog about their experiences as first moms in open adoptions on a daily basis.

All of these women have every bit of the confidence, the brains, and the commitment to making a heart-wrenchingly difficult decision, because they know in their heart of hearts that it's the right decision not just for themselves, but for their child.  Ellen Page's character in Juno barely even holds a candle to them.

I don't know how or when things will change for how some people view women who place their children for adoption.  I do think that open adoption has been a catalyst for change that has already started, and it will continue to help drive change forward.  As we bring adoption out of the shadows, and more and more women can openly and proudly claim the title of birth mother (or first mother), more people will see birth mothers for who they really are.  And, if anyone wants my opinion on the matter (and, even if they don't)...well, I'm more than happy to oblige.......

x's&o's,
Michelle