Paperwork. More paperwork.
When all is said and done, I think I will have to make some sort of charitable contribution to the Sierra Club. Or maybe the Arbor Day Foundation. Some sort of secular liberal penance is definitely in order to offset the number of trees that had to die so that Amber and I could welcome a child into our family.
First, we're re-upping on all of our home study paperwork.
We picked up the new packet last week at our monthly agency meeting. It feels much less daunting than the last time around. First of all, it's exciting, because it feels much more real this time. Before, we were filling out forms and jumping through hoops for some theoretical baby in a hypothetical situation. Now, we're doing these things for a real baby who will be here before we know it. It lights a little fire under your hiney, really.
Plus, already having had the pleasure of being fingerprinted and drug screened once, we are now more prepared for the experience. (Lessons learned...1.) Bring a book to the fingerprinting office and don't look anyone in the eye. 2.) Do the $69.95 Any-Lab-Test Clinic in the strip mall. The doctor's office seems classier, but you will pay mightily when your insurance company denies the claim.) After that, it's just forms for the doctor, forms for the vet, forms for the po-po, and forms for the state of Georgia. We sign, we initial, we date, we notarize. And then I think we sign again, just for good measure.
Last week we also filled out and turned in our "Relationship Profile." You'd think we'd be done with profiles, being matched and all. But, apparently not. What it seems to be though--rather than a profile--is pre-match meeting paperwork. Paperwork to fill out before we get to fill out the paperwork for the match.
If you're confused, I don't blame you. I was a little too.
We are "matched" now, because we've made a verbal agreement to move forward on this adoption plan with
In the match meeting we'll talk about contact during the pregnancy, surrounding the birth, and throughout our child's life. We'll discuss letters, emails, photos, visits, and birthday and holiday plans. And--as this process goes--we will (of course) fill out ANOTHER form that covers all of those things.
The form we filled out last week is the precursor to this next form. It's the form that helps Amber and I be sure that we agree on what we want (Spoiler Alert!!....we do.), before we sit down to discuss it with
The form we filled out last week was full of questions about what Amber and I envision for the future, and for ours and our child's relationship with his or her birth family. We came into this process knowing that we wanted openness in our adoption. We knew it was best for kids, best for birth parents, and ultimately, best for us as people who always want to do what's "best". We've always known we want our child to have visits with his or her birth parents. We've always known that we plan to take lots of pictures of our child, and that we'll share those frequently with his or her birth family. We've always known that we'd welcome our child's birth grandparents, birth aunts, birth uncles, and birth cousins to be a part of our child's life. And we've especially always hoped that if our child one day has birth siblings, they'd be able to form a special bond with one another as well.
But the logistics of all that? It's not something we'd spent a lot of time pondering. When we were talking about a theoretical baby in a hypothetical situation, there aren't really any specifics to discuss. But now that everything is for real, we can start talking details.
So, last week, Amber and I took a long walk around the neighborhood with the dogs, and talked our way through the pre-match meeting form. For some reason, we always do our best thinking that way. Here's a little sampling of how it went:
Rank the following in order of importance, from most important (1) to least important (5)...Letters, Pictures, Emails, Visits, Phone Calls.
Ok easy enough. But wait, when they say "important" what does that mean? I mean, visits are probably really important, because you get to spend time together, and we want that. But that won't happen as often, as say emails and pictures. So, which is more "important"? Can we just rank them all a 1? Is that allowed? Well, except for letters. Who writes letters anymore? And where is Facebook? Why isn't Facebook on this list? They should really put Facebook on this list. I want to start a private Facebook page for our families and the birth parents and their families. Why isn't that on this list? Maybe we should call the counselor and find out if Facebook is considered a part of "email" for the purposes of this question.....make a note in the margin, and we'll come back to that one.
If you and the birth parents can agree on visits, how will visits be planned? (i.e., how far in advance, who will take the initiative in planning)
Ummm...ok, we can do that. We can plan visits. Oh wait, I don't want to sound like only we can plan visits. Oh god, don't write that down. They can plan visits too! I don't really care who plans the visits, as long as there are some visits. Let's put that anybody can plan visits! Maybe we can plan visits together! That seems even better. Write that down. How far in advance? I don't know....like a month? A couple of weeks? We'll have to account for plane tickets and work schedules. That seems reasonable, right? But wait, that doesn't mean we can only plan things a month ahead. I mean, birthdays, visits around the holidays....you know those things are coming all year long. We could commit to those ahead of time. I don't want to sound unwilling to commit! This is getting kinda stressful....
Are you willing to send pictures and updates to the birth grandparents? Will the birth grandparents be called by their first names or by some special term?
Who would be unwilling to send pictures and updates? That's a ridiculous question. Why are they even asking us this? Like someone's going to be like, 'No, you get one picture. Photocopy it for your families, or just pass it around over the Thanksgiving turkey'. That's insane. So fine, yes, agree to that. That was easy. Ok, what's the kid going to call them? Why are they asking us this? Don't you think they should be asking them this? It's their names after all. Why should we care? I'm fine with their first names. I'm fine with some nickname they make up. Shoot, I'm even fine with Bonzi & Sneaky O'Malley and if that's what they really, really want.
What will visits with the birth parents look like? __Two to four hours __All day __Overnight __Weekend
Wait...are we ranking things? No, I think we're just picking. So, do we have to pick just one of those? Because it seems to me like different visits would look different. If they happen to just be passing through town, we might only have a few hours. But if we fly there or something, we'd obviously be there longer. Well, it doesn't say we have to pick just one. I know...let's put a check by all of them!! And then we'll write in the margin that we are open to all of the above in any combination, depending on individual circumstances of each visit, etc. Ha! Perfect! The counselor just said that we couldn't leave anything blank. She didn't say that we couldn't check all the boxes. What's she gonna do, mark it wrong?!
In the end, we finished all 16 questions on the two page form. We made one very big lap around the neighborhood and we had two very tired dogs in the end. But, we finished it. And, we discovered--as we had expected--that we were on the same page about everything anyhow. But, we also discovered that what we want the most is to be able to work out all of the specifics not just with the two of us, but with
So, even though we've done a lot of paperwork already, I'm actually looking forward to filling out this next form. We've had a lot of "officials" and a lot of "beginnings" in this journey already. But I think this next step is when it will finally all feel real.
x's & o's,
Dame Mirabelle the Bold
*Alice is totally not her real name. Not even close.
I Love that your agency went so far as to ask who would plan the visits, what they'd look like, etc. and yay for checking all that apply and writing in the margins!
ReplyDeleteMy husband handed me our match packet to fill out just as I started reading your blog. : ) I'm glad to see how you answered some of the questions with multiple checks because I was concerned about those as well. We also plan to create an "other" when defining the relationship we want. Nothing else seems to fit "close family who happens to live out of town." I look forward to following your journey. We have about 7 weeks to go with so much to do!
ReplyDelete@KatjaMichelle...life is too complicated, and every situation is too unique to be contained by checkboxes! :) I too like that they are making us think about the details and the realities, not just the vague notions of open adoption.
ReplyDelete@Crista...that's too funny! I think we selected "other" for that question too, and for the same reason! Seven weeks, WOW. We have 22 more weeks to go! Sometimes it feels like forever, and other times I'm like, omg, how will we possibly get it all done! Good luck to you on this journey, too!