On The Same Page

Having officially moved into the next stage of our adoption journey--the match phase--we are once again faced with what we've been faced with so many times before in this process.

Paperwork.  More paperwork.

When all is said and done, I think I will have to make some sort of charitable contribution to the Sierra Club.  Or maybe the Arbor Day Foundation.  Some sort of secular liberal penance is definitely in order to offset the number of trees that had to die so that Amber and I could welcome a child into our family.

First, we're re-upping on all of our home study paperwork.

We picked up the new packet last week at our monthly agency meeting.  It feels much less daunting than the last time around.  First of all, it's exciting, because it feels much more real this time.  Before, we were filling out forms and jumping through hoops for some theoretical baby in a hypothetical situation.  Now, we're doing these things for a real baby who will be here before we know it.  It lights a little fire under your hiney, really.

Plus, already having had the pleasure of being fingerprinted and drug screened once, we are now more prepared for the experience.  (Lessons learned...1.) Bring a book to the fingerprinting office and don't look anyone in the eye.  2.) Do the $69.95 Any-Lab-Test Clinic in the strip mall.  The doctor's office seems classier, but you will pay mightily when your insurance company denies the claim.)  After that, it's just forms for the doctor, forms for the vet, forms for the po-po, and forms for the state of Georgia.  We sign, we initial, we date, we notarize.  And then I think we sign again, just for good measure.

Last week we also filled out and turned in our "Relationship Profile."  You'd think we'd be done with profiles, being matched and all.  But, apparently not.  What it seems to be though--rather than a profile--is pre-match meeting paperwork.  Paperwork to fill out before we get to fill out the paperwork for the match.

If you're confused, I don't blame you.  I was a little too.

We are "matched" now, because we've made a verbal agreement to move forward on this adoption plan with Alice* Kelsey [See UPDATE below].  But we have not yet had our official "match meeting", which is the time where we will all sit down together with the counselor and discuss what we each hope for and expect from this open adoption.

In the match meeting we'll talk about contact during the pregnancy, surrounding the birth, and throughout our child's life. We'll discuss letters, emails, photos, visits, and birthday and holiday plans.  And--as this process goes--we will  (of course) fill out ANOTHER form that covers all of those things.

The form we filled out last week is the precursor to this next form.  It's the form that helps Amber and I be sure that we agree on what we want (Spoiler Alert!!....we do.), before we sit down to discuss it with Alice Kelsey in the match meeting. Because, wouldn't that be awkward, if we didn't...

The form we filled out last week was full of questions about what Amber and I envision for the future, and for ours and our child's relationship with his or her birth family.  We came into this process knowing that we wanted openness in our adoption.  We knew it was best for kids, best for birth parents, and ultimately, best for us as people who always want to do what's "best".  We've always known we want our child to have visits with his or her birth parents.  We've always known that we plan to take lots of pictures of our child, and that we'll share those frequently with his or her birth family.  We've always known that we'd welcome our child's birth grandparents, birth aunts, birth uncles, and birth cousins to be a part of our child's life.  And we've especially always hoped that if our child one day has birth siblings, they'd be able to form a special bond with one another as well.

But the logistics of all that?  It's not something we'd spent a lot of time pondering.  When we were talking about a theoretical baby in a hypothetical situation, there aren't really any specifics to discuss.  But now that everything is for real, we can start talking details.

So, last week, Amber and I took a long walk around the neighborhood with the dogs, and talked our way through the pre-match meeting form.  For some reason, we always do our best thinking that way.  Here's a little sampling of how it went:

Rank the following in order of importance, from most important (1) to least important (5)...Letters, Pictures, Emails, Visits, Phone Calls.


Ok easy enough.  But wait, when they say "important" what does that mean?  I mean, visits are probably really important, because you get to spend time together, and we want that. But that won't happen as often, as say emails and pictures.  So, which is more "important"?  Can we just rank them all a 1?  Is that allowed?  Well, except for letters.  Who writes letters anymore?  And where is Facebook?  Why isn't Facebook on this list? They should really put Facebook on this list. I want to start a private Facebook page for our families and the birth parents and their families.  Why isn't that on this list?  Maybe we should call the counselor and find out if Facebook is considered a part of "email" for the purposes of this question.....make a note in the margin, and we'll come back to that one.

If you and the birth parents can agree on visits, how will visits be planned? (i.e., how far in advance, who will take the initiative in planning)


Ummm...ok, we can do that.  We can plan visits.  Oh wait, I don't want to sound like only we can plan visits. Oh god, don't write that down.  They can plan visits too!  I don't really care who plans the visits, as long as there are some visits.  Let's put that anybody can plan visits!  Maybe we can plan visits together!  That seems even better.  Write that down.  How far in advance?  I don't know....like a month?  A couple of weeks?  We'll have to account for plane tickets and work schedules.  That seems reasonable, right?  But wait, that doesn't mean we can only plan things a month ahead.  I mean, birthdays, visits around the holidays....you know those things are coming all year long.  We could commit to those ahead of time.  I don't want to sound unwilling to commit!  This is getting kinda stressful....

Are you willing to send pictures and updates to the birth grandparents?  Will the birth grandparents be called by their first names or by some special term?


Who would be unwilling to send pictures and updates?  That's a ridiculous question.  Why are they even asking us this?  Like someone's going to be like, 'No, you get one picture.  Photocopy it for your families, or just pass it around over the Thanksgiving turkey'.  That's insane.  So fine, yes, agree to that.  That was easy.  Ok, what's the kid going to call them?  Why are they asking us this?  Don't you think they should be asking them this?  It's their names after all.  Why should we care?  I'm fine with their first names.  I'm fine with some nickname they make up.  Shoot, I'm even fine with Bonzi  & Sneaky O'Malley and  if that's what they really, really want.

What will visits with the birth parents look like? __Two to four hours __All day __Overnight __Weekend


Wait...are we ranking things?  No, I think we're just picking.  So, do we have to pick just one of those?  Because it seems to me like different visits would look different.  If they happen to just be passing through town, we might only have a few hours.  But if we fly there or something, we'd obviously be there longer.   Well, it doesn't say we have to pick just one.  I know...let's put a check by all of them!!  And then we'll write in the margin that we are open to all of the above in any combination, depending on individual circumstances of each visit, etc.  Ha! Perfect!  The counselor just said that we couldn't leave anything blank.  She didn't say that we couldn't check all the boxes.  What's she gonna do, mark it wrong?!  

In the end, we finished all 16 questions on the two page form.  We made one very big lap around the neighborhood and we had two very tired dogs in the end.  But, we finished it.  And, we discovered--as we had expected--that we were on the same page about everything anyhow.  But, we also discovered that what we want the most is to be able to work out all of the specifics not just with the two of us, but with Alice Kelsey as well.  Despite all the panic and overthinking we exhibited in filling out our own form, we are actually pretty laid back, pretty relaxed, and pretty easy going about working out the parameters and boundaries of this open adoption.  We don't have hard and fast yes's or no's.  We feel like this is a journey we are all on together, and  we'll all be involved in planning the trip.

So, even though we've done a lot of paperwork already, I'm actually looking forward to filling out this next form. We've had a lot of "officials" and a lot of "beginnings" in this journey already.  But I think this next step is when it will finally all feel real.

x's & o's,

Dame Mirabelle the Bold

*Alice is totally not her real name.  Not even close.  We just haven't talked to her yet about how anonymous or non-anonymous she'd like to be on this here blog.  [UPDATE: Kelsey gave the go ahead for me to use her real name....which is Kelsey, duh.] (Frankly, I'm surprised our agency doesn't have a form for us to fill out about blog identities..."How will you refer to the birth mother on your blog? a) by her name, b) by her first initial, c) by a made-up pseudonym of your choosing, d) by a made-up pseudonym of her choosing, or e) by her official internet-generated drag queen name (Fifi LaRue)." )

The One We've Been Waiting For

Ok, this time the silence means something, my dear reader(s).

Something big.  I've been holding it in.  Rolling it around in my brain, trying to find the words to fully describe the amazing things that have happened in the last few weeks.

They say a picture's worth a thousand words, so here it is:

Yes, seeing is believing!  We've MATCHED!!  

I know...I can hardly believe it either.  Just when we'd settled into convincing ourselves that this might take awhile.  Just after we'd decided to put on a brave face and say ten times a day that it was ok that nobody was calling us.  Just about the time we'd started to face the reality that we may have to buck up and focus on other things, and perhaps our dream of becoming moms would have to go on the back burner for who knows how long.

We got the call.  THE call.  This time it came not from a tentative young woman whispering nervously into her phone, but rather straight from our agency.  The intake coordinator called and let us know she had spoken that afternoon with a young woman who wanted us to be the parents of the child she was carrying.

You could have knocked me over with a feather.  

"Do you want us to show her your profile?", the coordinator asked.  

Is the Pope Catholic?  Do bears poo in the woods?  OF COURSE WE DO.  

To be fair, it wasn't a completely ridiculous question.  This woman lives in a nearby state, where our agency does not have an office.  So, the adoption will involve a little more paperwork and red tape, and some extra fees.  I guess some people have more rigid ideas about what they will or won't deal with in an adoption.  Amber and I aren't those people.  So--in about 2.5 seconds--we agreed that we wanted to move forward and have our profile shown to her.

I am SO GLAD we did.  We could not have asked to be matched with a more amazing person.  We couldn't have imagined a better situation. She is in a relationship with a great guy and they clearly love each other to pieces.  Her family is so supportive of her, of the two of them, and of their adoption plan.  She's smart, she's funny, she's sensitive and she is unimaginably wise beyond her years.  She reminds me a lot of me, actually. (Ha! "She's awesome...just like me!" Modesty has clearly never been my strong suit.)

So, we are excitedly moving forward on this match.  She's due in August, so we have a long time to get to know one another and to plan for the future.  At some point soon we'll have an official match meeting, where we can sit down and really hash out the details of what we each want and expect from this open adoption.  From the little we've discussed it so far though, it seems like we are already on the same page about openness, and I'm thrilled about that.  

Open adoption is the way we chose to build our family because we strongly believe that openness is the best thing for our child.  We want him or her to always know his or her birth parents, how amazing they are, and why they chose us to be parents.  

But, we also chose open adoption because we strongly believe that openness is the best thing for the birth parents, as well.  I'm under no delusion that this process will be easy for them.  It's hard to reconcile the fact that something that will make Amber and I so SO very happy will also be sad and difficult for the very person who is choosing to give us this amazing gift, and making us so happy in the first place.  I want our adoption to be open--to include letters, pictures, and visits--because I want our child and his or her birth parents to get to experience all the wonderful things about one another.  

But, I also want it to be open for a slightly more selfish reason.  I want to experience those things as well.  Amber and I are lucky to have many wonderful people in our lives...our family, our friends, and so many great individuals with whom we've crossed paths over the years.  But, a person who can make this difficult decision at a relatively young age, who has enough maturity and forethought to realize she's not ready to be a parent yet, and who has the bravery and loving heart to put this child's needs and best interest first, and to give us the gift of parenthood, for which we will never stop being grateful.....that's a person I want in MY life forever, too.

x's&o's,

Michelle

First Comes Love.

Tomorrow is our thirteenth anniversary.  Our relationship is a TEENager now.  I can hardly believe it.  It seems like only yesterday we were college kids holding hands in the backseat of a car, on our way to a 5am post-partying greasy breakfast.

Tapestry on the wall, bootleg cassettes? Must be a hippie dorm room.

And now here we are, in our mid-thirties, excitedly awaiting parenthood.

So much has happened between then and now.  We've had so many firsts, shared so many milestones, and grown so much into the couple we are today.  So, in honor of our "Lucky 13th," here's a look back at 13 important moments in our relationship.

1. Our first official date was on Valentine's Day, 1998.  We went to a great Italian restaurant in St Petersburg. Amber's mom, her sisters, and her sisters' cheerleading friends (who were all in town for a competition) were there too.  Now that I think of it, that doesn't sound like much of a first date.  Especially because we hadn't yet told her family that we were dating.  And, actually, it was mostly just nerve wracking and awkward. But, later that evening, back in Amber's dorm, we shared our first kiss.  Awwwwwww.

2. Our senior year in college we got two single rooms in the dorm lottery. They were in neighboring buildings in the same dorm complex.  We dragged the bed from one room into the other, pushed them together, threw a queen sized mattress on top, and called that the "bedroom."  We put two desks, a couch, and a dresser in the other room, and called that the "living room."  Every morning I padded across the dorm courtyard in my pajamas and flip flops to the "living room" where my closet was, to get ready for class.  Thankfully the Florida weather permitted such foolishness.

In our "living room"

3. Amber came home with me to Ohio for the first time over Thanksgiving of our senior year.  We went to see a very amateur local production of The Wizard of Oz.  I picked her out a hideous grey shimmery skirt and a shiny maroon blouse to wear for the occasion. It was the late 90's, ok? At the time, I thought it looked nice. She still hasn't forgiven me for it.

4. The first time I went to visit Amber's family, I horrified everyone by almost stomping barefoot on a roach.  I would have done it, too, if they hadn't all startled me by shrieking.  After living in Borneo for a summer, I wasn't afraid of giant tropical bugs.  When the need arises, I'm still the bug killer in the family.

5.  The first road trip we ever went on together was a 30 hour trip from Tampa to Toledo.  We had just graduated, and Amber was driving back home with me.  We got not one, but two, flat tires.  The first of which took four hours to get fixed, because we stupidly left the rim on the side of the highway, not understanding we were supposed to keep that part for the new tire.  Once we finally made it to my parents' house, Amber fell down the steps carrying the luggage in, and we ended up sitting in the ER all night so she could get her arm X-rayed.  It was the first of many of our ill-fated attempts at travel together.



At college graduation.  Unaware we are about to be stuck in a car for 30 hours.


 6.  Our first apartment together was in Centereach, NY, while we were in graduate school.  The year before, Amber had been in Binghamton, NY, studying archaeology, while I was in Stony Brook, NY studying primatology.  Needless to say, we spent a lot of hours in the car that year, driving the five hours back and forth to visit one another.  So, when her coursework was complete, Amber moved into the one bedroom apartment I had rented in an old house.  It had fabulous indoor/outdoor faux brick carpeting in the kitchen, hideous southwestern styled sponge painting in the bathroom, and the living room was so small that our golden retriever Aurora couldn't even turn around in it.  But, it was ours, and we were together again, at last.

Jerry thought the apartment was roomy.

7.  After we completed our master's degrees and decided PhD's weren't what we wanted out of life anymore, we made our first official move together to Atlanta.  It was 2002, we'd been together 3 1/2 years, and I look back now and realize that this was when we really, officially, without a doubt knew that we were going to be together forever.  Up until that point, we'd been fumbling around a bit, growing up, growing into ourselves, and learning, together, what it takes to be in a relationship.  But, when we packed up our things, rented a house sight unseen over the internet, and headed off to Atlanta without jobs or knowing a single other soul, I knew we were decidedly in this together for the long haul now.

8.  After renting for a year, we bought our first house together.  We picked the quiet, diverse, and friendly city of Pine Lake, in the metro-Atlanta area.  We had met friends who lived there already, and we were instantly intrigued by the quirky cabin homes, beachside community house, and close-knit neighborhood atmosphere.  We've put a lot of time, effort, and old fashioned elbow grease into making this house the home sweet home that it now is.

Enjoying the snow outside our new house!

9.  Once upon a time, shortly after we bought our house, we decided we should have a "ceremony".  Not a "wedding", because those aren't legal for us in Georgia, but a "ceremony" at least; a celebration of our love and commitment in front of family and friends.  We talked about bridesmaids, wedding cakes, reception halls, and honeymoons.  We bought bridal magazines...ok, I bought bridal magazines.  I looked at gorgeous dresses, and imagined what they would look like on me.  But in the end, it all seemed very complicated, very expensive and somewhat unnecessary, really.  We didn't need a party to prove to our family and friends we were in love.  We just wanted a symbol of our commitment to one another, for one another.  So, in the end, we decided to forgo the ceremony and bought rings for one another instead.  We've worn them every day since. I still have the card that Amber gave me that day, standing in our living room, that reads: "Will you be my Mrs. forever?"

10. In 2006, we attended a seminar called "Maybe Baby" that was organized by a local group for gay families.  It was our first foray into the world of possible parenthood.  We like to plan ahead.  Like, way ahead.  Back then, we had yet to decide how we were going to build a family, but we had made the decision that family-building was in our future.  I was still in nursing school, Amber was working her way up at Georgia State, and we knew we weren't yet in a place to raise a child.  But, we were starting to look forward to the day we would be.

11.  I had to have back surgery for a herniated disk in 2007.  It was supposed to be a relatively simple procedure, but I ended up having a complication called an ileus.  Basically, my intestines didn't wake up after the surgery as quickly as they should have, so my belly swelled up like I was 7 months pregnant, and I was literally puking my guts out.  Horrid, right?  You have no idea.  I was in the hospital for almost a week until things righted themselves.  Poor Amber and my mom rotated sleeping crunched up in a chair next to my hospital bed.  After the first two days in the hospital, Amber had to drive home and get more clothes and things.  She was so worried about me (and also probably sleep deprived), that she rushed out of the house and left the door standing wide open.  Not just unlocked.  Wide open.  Five days later, when I was finally released from the hospital, we came home and discovered it.  It's a testament to our neighborhood that not a single thing was gone.

12. We celebrated our 10th anniversary together in beautiful Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.  We are the queens of weekend road trips.  We love visiting funky Asheville, NC, spending a weekend in a cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains, relaxing on the beaches near Savannah, GA, or  taking a quick trip to Orlando or Ohio to visit family.  But, we had never taken a full-on week long international vacation together before.  We lived it up...shopping, beaching, fiesta-ing, eating, swimming in our resort's infinity pool.  It was a vacation for the ages.   The first half, at least.  Then Amber got food poisoning and ended up in a Mexican hospital.  Good times.  She survived though (obviously), and at least we have a great story to tell.  Or something....

!Feliz Aniversario!

13. [Any guesses what this one is gonna be? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?]  Last year, we joined the Independent Adoption Center, and officially began our journey to parenthood togther.  [You guessed it, didn't you?!  So smart, my reader(s)...]  I know that this is exactly the right time in our relationship for us to be parents.  Looking back, it's easy to see that we've been in love forever, and we've been committed to each other and our relationship for a very long time. But would we have been ready to be parents at 20 years old, when we first met?  No way.  At 26, when we were settling down and growing up?  Probably not.  But here and now?  Definitely.

I'm proud of our relationship.  I'm proud of the commitment we've made to each other, the effort we put into making our relationship work, and the love, laughter, and fun that fills our daily life together.  Most of all, I feel proud and lucky to be able to honestly say that after thirteen years together, we are still in love, and we are still each other's best friend.

Happy Anniversary Mrs.  I love you.

x's&o's,

Michelle

How Do You Measure a Year?

Today marks the one year anniversary of the official start of our journey in open adoption. A year ago today, we were sitting in a small conference room with four other couples and a social worker, learning everything we needed to know about the adoption process. We were so excited, so nervous, so hopeful for what was yet to come.

We were ready, and we were motivated. We were gonna knock this paperwork out in the first month, and surely have our birthmother letter together in that time, as well. Sure, the FBI fingerprinting was backed up--they were saying it was taking 12 weeks on average--but by the time that was done, we should be good to go. On the books and waiting by April, we figured. We could hardly wait!

We wondered if we'd have a baby by May, and how that would impact our trip to the Bahamas for Amber's sister's wedding. How long does it take to get an infant a passport, anyhow?! Another couple excitedly talked about having their baby over the summer, so they'd have time to set up the nursery and be on maternity leave before school started in the fall. We figured if we didn't have a baby before summer, we'd for sure be celebrating our baby's first Christmas this year!

That would be last Christmas, for those of you keeping track. The one that just passed. The one where we didn't have a child. Just so we're all on the same page.

I'm not bitter. Good things come to those who wait, right? It's just funny to think back now on what we were thinking a year ago.

We had no idea.

We had no idea that writing our birthmother letter was going to be a multi-month process of combing through pictures, and writing and re-writing, and re-writing again. It's hard to put yourselves, your whole life, and everything you believe you can offer a child as parents into 950 words and 12 pictures. It's even harder when you realize those four color glossy pages are all a woman has to go by when she's sorting through a box of brochures from the agency, or skimming through 11 pages of search results on a website.

We can only be ourselves, and that's all we want to be. But, will this picture or that sentence be the one that sorts us into the 'yes', 'no', or 'maybe' pile for that special person who's looking for parents for her child? Each word you write, each picture you select, you imagine that scenario all over again.

They tell us in our weekend seminar at the agency that oftentimes it is just one little thing--a feeling, a connection--that leads a woman to choose a family for her child. One woman told the agency she picked her child's parents because they had a picture of a chicken on their letter. She really liked chickens, and that's what stood out to her. Now, I'm sure the decision was a lot more complex than that. She got to know them, they fit together, and everything just felt right. But the fact remains, their decision to put a chicken on the letter is what put them in the running.

Stories like that make you paranoid. What will it be for us? Not chickens, certainly, because their beady little eyes freak me out, and when I worked in a petting zoo, I had to clean chicken coops and it was DIS-GUST-ING. But still, the parable lingers, and it adds a weight to every decision you make. So, needless to say, it didn't take a month. It took many months to complete our birthmother letter. And don't even get me started on the part where we had to choose the graphics, colors, and design. I still have a twitch in my left eye because of it, I'm pretty sure.

We had no idea.

We had no idea how long we'd agonize over the home study paperwork. We each had to write narratives about our lives, our childhoods, our relationship, and our philosophies on parenting. Nobody besides the social worker was likely to ever see them. But they would give her the basis to write our home study, the document that tells the state we are fit to be parents. So--good students that we are--we took it quite seriously. We thought long and hard about what we thought, and how to say it. It was actually a good experience. It's probably one that everyone who's considering parenting--adoptive or biological--should go through. It gave us the opportunity to truly sit down, think, and really discuss the life we want our child to have, the values and knowledge we hope to instill in him or her, and how we will go about parenting. After that, the physical exams, drug tests, 911 call reports, fingerprinting, rabies vaccinations (for the dogs, not us), home visits from the social worker, and installing a cart-load of childproofing supplies from Home Depot were a snap.

When we finally finished all of our pre-adoption paperwork, our birthmother letter, our website, and our iheartadoption profile, we breathed a giant collective sigh of relief. "Phew!..That's over!," we thought. We patted ourselves on the backs for surviving a hectic and stressful six months. We congratulated ourselves for being such a strong and loving couple, for supporting one another through the difficult stints, remembering to laugh, and always growing stronger together. And then the waiting started.

We had no idea.

We had no idea what the waiting would really be like. We were prepared for it to take awhile. We were prepared to go for a long time without a single contact. We had already discovered that our 1-800 number was very similar to one for MetLife, so we were prepared to continue to get calls that weren't really for us.

"It's a lot like dating."  That's what they told us in the weekend seminar at the agency. Neither Amber nor I dated much. We found each other, we putzed around like idiots for a few months as we tried to navigate the awkward beginnings of a relationship, and then we just fit. And thirteen years later, here we are. So, we figured that's what this would be like. Eventually someone would contact us, we'd get to know each other, we'd decide this felt right to all involved, and a few months later, she'd place her child in our loving arms. End of story. Happily ever after, and all that.

But that's not what happened. Instead, we were on some sort of speed dating train that had jumped the tracks. Perhaps they should have been more specific in the seminar. "It's a lot like the kind of dating you see in a crazy romantic comedy". That's what they should tell folks, if anyone wants my opinion.

Less than a week after we went on the books, we got a call. A real call. We weren't prepared for that. But we took it as it came. And then we got another. And then an email. Two emails. Another call. In the first two months we were 'on the books' we were contacted by five different women considering us as parents for her child.

It was exciting and terrifying in a way I can't quite explain. It was both exhilarating and stressful. We were all adoption, all the time. Eating, sleeping, and accomplishing anything substantial at work or at home were things of the past. Our friends and family stood expectantly by, congratulating us on our good fortune. Other waiting couples, who had yet to receive a contact, joked that ours was not such a bad problem to have. And it wasn't. It was gratifying to know that women were finding us, and they were considering us as parents for their child. We tentatively allowed ourselves to hope that this process would go even faster than we had originally hoped. We didn't want to jinx ourselves, but we were starting to feel like perhaps we were "good" at this adoption thing, whatever that means.

But, as time after time, emails weren't returned, conversations went dead, or we learned that someone we were talking to had chosen another family, we began to feel quite a bit less sure of ourselves. Were we going to be always the bridesmaid, never the bride? Was our birthmother letter too good? Did the 'real life' us pale in comparison to the 4 page color glossy brochure of us? Was I too shy and awkward? Was Amber too chatty and quick to fill the silence in phone conversations? Did we say something wrong? Do something wrong? Not say something right? What if it went on and on like this, contact after contact, with nobody ever picking us?

And all of this was before a very damaged young woman scammed the pants off of us for nearly two months. But let's not speak of that little blip in our adoption journey.  Ever.  Again.  Mmkay? Great.

We had no idea.

We had no idea we'd come through all the craziness that happened in the first six months of waiting, and find a balanced life on the other side. Things have slowed down considerably since the beginning. We have had quite a lull over the holidays, in truth. And yes, there has been an inkling of 'Omigod....what if we NEVER get another call?!' in our minds. But I think it is a good thing. It is the time we need to rejuvenate ourselves. It allows us to catch up on life, to focus on something other than adoption. To remember that this is a process, and it may be a long one. And we can't put our lives on hold until it's over, because we don't know how long that will be. We're once again enjoying romantic dinners out, and relaxing evenings in. We're trying to travel (damn you, Snowpacalypse 2011...), spend time with friends, and enjoy the little things that won't be so easy once we are a family of three.

And maybe--right this minute--as you sit here reading this blog, somewhere else our future child's mother sits there looking at our website, opening our birthmother brochure, or picking up the phone to dial our number.

We have no idea.

x's&o's,

Michelle

Holidaze Rewind

So, I'm doing this new thing called "Open Adoption Bloggers".

And by "new" I mean, it's been around for a few years, but I first discovered it when we started looking into open adoption.  In the beginning, the blogs on the list helped me to make sense of what 'open adoption' actually looked like live and in-person (or at least live and through the lens of the internet).  Now, I mostly just enjoy checking in on the lives of random strangers with which I share common ground. And who doesn't, really?  That's why god (or MTV...whatev.) created reality tv, which everyone knows is the evolutionary precursor to blogs, facebook, and everything that is good and holy about finding community on the world wide web.  Trust me, I have a master's degree in this stuff. (Not really.)

By "doing", I mean, well...not much.  I did add this blog to the list a month or so ago.  I had to write a blurb and everything, so don't think it was a minuscule feat.  But, what I'm supposed to be doing is writing a blog post in response to a monthly prompt called the "Open Adoption Roundtable".  Each month, a new prompt related to adoption is posted, and people from across the adoption spectrum (adoptees, adopters, birth parents, adoption professionals, wannabe adopters [hey..that's me!] ) chime in with their perspectives.  It's an awesome concept, and I always enjoy and learn so much from the people less slacker-y than I who contribute posts on the regular.

I know you think this is leading into my first official Open Adoption Roundtable post.

It's not.

Maybe next month.  But, my point in telling you all this now is that last month's topic (yes, I'm so bad at this roundtable thing, I'm a month behind on just thinking about posting....) was about how holiday traditions and open adoption intersect.  It's an interesting topic, but not yet being an actual part of an open adoption, I don't have much to say about it.  To date, our only holiday-related open adoption tradition is this:

{Amber's cell phone rings...1-800-577-5780 apears on caller id}
Michelle: [screaming at family] SHHHH....shutupshutupshutup....it's our adoption number!!
Amber:  [taking a deep breath] Hello?.......No, this isn't the annuities department.  You have the wrong number.

Oh, good times.  But, as you can see, one phone call does not a blog post make (ok, maybe sometimes).  So, in lieu of that, I'll just tell you about a few of our actual holiday traditions.  And then, I'll probably close with a poignant little paragraph about how we hope next Christmas will include a baby....how we can't wait to create memories and build holiday traditions with our child...how much we look forward to our child's birth family playing a role in those very traditions.  Oops.  I gave it away.  Oh well.

Atlanta had it's first white Christmas this year since the 1800's. Disturbing change in global climate patterns? Um, you betcha.  But, oooooooh.....pretty!! fluffy!! white!!

Snowy Pine Lake

We experienced a good old fashioned Ohio white Christmas.  Snow where snow is supposed to be.

Amber and Byrdie in my parents' backyard

Amber and I have been on a rotating Thanksgiving/Christmas family schedule for nearly as long as I can remember.  This year it was Thanksgiving with her family and Christmas with mine.  And, as usual, we also managed to squeeze in some extra family time at "Thanksmas".  (For those who don't know, Thanksmas (/'thangks-mahs/ noun.,)  is the in-law's Christmas, the short visit or extra time spent with whichever of our families don't see us for Christmas on a given year.  See also, "Newyearsmas" (/'nu-,yirz-mahs/ noun.,), depending on timing.)

Amber went to Florida for Thanksmus.  I had to work, so my mom came to visit Atlanta for a few days.

Amber has been known, in the past, to claim I'm a Scrooge.  It's completely unfounded, as anyone who knows me and my affection for the poor and downtrodden already realizes.  But, when it comes to holidays, she is definitely much more into traditional traditions than I am (or at least more willing to admit it.)  I like to walk around grumbling about holiday decorations in the stores at Halloween, griping about Christmas carols taking over the airwaves, and moaning about my favorite show being preempted by Frosty the Snowman.  Being a crotchety old man is my holiday tradition.  But, a few bars of "Little Drummer Boy", the whiny pitch of  "Ralphie!! I can't put my arms down!", and some chocolate crinkle cookies, and suddenly....I wish it was Christmas every day.  This year, I was even the one to demand we get a tree for the house, even though we were going to be out of town for the majority of the tree's needle-dropping life.

I also made my very own stocking for the nurse's station at work.  We have a contest for best stocking each year.  I did not win.  But, my stocking was also NOT mistakenly entered in the "kid's division" contest, as I had feared it would be.  So, to me.....that counts as a win!  All hail construction paper and Elmer's glue!!!

At Amber's job they do a "white elephant" (aka "dirty santa") gift exchange every year, where everyone brings a wrapped small gift, and one by one people pick from the pile.  Once a gift has been unwrapped, other people can 'steal' it from you, and it becomes a Christmas gifting competition for the ages!  She liked it so much, we started doing it--in addition to a regular gift exhange--each year with her family.  In the past, we've come away with a hot rock massage set, a dog Snuggie, a Vera Bradley clutch, and a 1980's Trivial Pursuit game, to name a few. Lately, the game has devolved into mostly gift cards, bottles of wine, and microbrew beers.  Not that anyone is complaining....

Byrdie snuggling in her Snuggie

Another tradition we have at the holidays--and I'm sure many of you share this with us--is the telling and retelling (and retelling, and retelling) of favorite (and sometimes embarrassing) stories from our childhood.  This year we really got into the reminiscing as we both got the chance to go through many of our childhood toys and memorabilia.  We actually had many of the same favorite dolls growing up, and matching koala teddy bears.  The best part for me though, was when we "organized" (ahem...ok...played with) boxes full of Barbies at Amber's mom's house.  At my parents' house, we went through boxes of my dance costumes and I even managed to stand (momentarily) in my old pointe shoes.

Taking Barbies very seriously

Phil rocking his "down-on-her-luck can can dancer" look in one of my old dance tutus

This year we also had our Second (Not-So-)Annual Bowling Tournament with my extended family.  "You bowl?,"  you ask.  Um, not so much.  But we do like the shoes, the bowling pin shaped Bud Lites, and being lovingly cracked on by my family for our sweet bowling skillz.  Not to mention they have fried green beans at the concession stand.  Fried. Green. Beans.  Who knew?!

All in all, this holiday season was a WIN!  We did a lot of traveling, but it was well worth the time we spent with family and the fun we had together.  Next year, we're thinking about foregoing the usual holiday rotation, and bringing both of our families together to celebrate Christmas in luxury cabins in the North Georgia mountains.  We're hoping for snowy hiking trails, warm fires, bubbly hot tubs, ping pong and pool tournaments in the game room, and lots and lots of eating.  Of course, in the back of our minds, we're all also hoping that next Christmas will be the one that includes our child.

x's&o's,

Michelle

  

Life As We Know It

So, the last time I wrote, I told you if things were quiet around here, it probably meant there was exciting news coming soon. Well, in case you haven't noticed...it's been quiet. But alas, dear reader(s), it's not because I'm keeping good news to myself. It's because there's no news to report.

We've entered a bit of a lull in our adoption journey. No calls, no emails, nothing much in the way of website traffic. The average wait time from "going live" to adopting is about 12 months with our agency. We've been waiting for only about five months so far. We got off to a whirlwind of a start, and got more than we bargained for, really. So, actually, a little bit of time to catch our breath may be a good thing. Waiting can be hard, and wondering can be scary, but we're making the best of it.

The truth is, Amber and I love the life we've made together. We can't wait to bring a child into our family, to share the love, warmth and fun that make our lives so full. We can't wait to be parents together, to watch with wonder as our child grows into the person he or she is meant to be, and to guide him or her along on that journey. We're looking forward to sweet baby snuggles, loud toddler giggles, and walking our proud kindergartener to the first day of school.

But, we aren't desperate or unhappy with the life we have now.

One day, an expectant mom making an adoption plan will find us, and know we are the right family for her child. It may be sooner, or it may be later, but we know without a doubt it will happen someday. And until that day comes, we're just going to try to keep living our lives to the fullest.

So, in honor of living life while waiting, here's a little update on the non-adoption things Amber and I have been up to while we've been waiting...


In July...we officially went "on the books".  To celebrate, we spent the weekend in the nearby Blue Ridge Mountains.  We got a cute little cabin, loaded up the dogs, and headed out for a relaxing weekend.  We went canoeing, hiked, shopped around the quaint little town stores, had a nice candlelit dinner, and made s'mores on the cabin porch.  It was a wonderful way to start "the wait"

Exploring the woods around our cabin.

Phil and Amber relaxing on the cabin porch.

Me and the canoe.

Ready for dinner at the cabin.

In August...we took our first road trip to visit my parents in their new house in southern Ohio. The occasion was my mom's 6oth birthday, but we were also celebrating my dad's new job as dean of the regional campuses for Miami University, and my parents' return to their hometown, Middletown, OH. We had a nice, relaxing weekend and got to spend time with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who all live in the same town.  We had a wonderful family brunch together while Amber and my cousin's daughter explored the house, basement, and yard during a very involved imaginary game of "Captain Adventure".  All I know is there were invisible alligators, a plastic mini-parachute man, and clapping could make people disappear.  Don't ask.

On the road for 8 hrs and still smiling!

My mom and uncle play with their new ipads before brunch.

Dad is on clean up duty!

In September...We had old friends come visit, and we enjoyed spending the weekend showing them the town. It's always fun to see Atlanta again through a visitor's eyes.  We are lucky to live in such a fun and busy city, and (most of the time) the weather can't be beat!

Just like old times...

Amber also went whitewater rafting with the "Touch the Earth" program at GSU.  She is more adventurous than I am, and is always up for a water-fueled adrenaline rush.  She had a great time on the river with her co-workers and even made some new friends.  They stopped for a nice picnic lunch on the river bank, and everyone (except my warm-blooded Florida girl) took a dip in the icy stream to cool off.

One of those people is Amber.  I swear.

The next weekend, Amber and I enjoyed a short hike with the dogs at Clyde Shepherd Nature Preserve, in nearby Decatur.  One of our favorite ways to spend a fall afternoon is exploring local parks, nature preserves, and short hiking trails.  We aren't hard-core backpackers or anything, but we like to get outside, breathe some fresh air, and enjoy the beauty of nature.  Phil and Byrdie love it too.

Amber and Byrdie check out the bird watching blind

I don't know why there was a lifeguard chair in the woods. But I climbed up and sat in it anyways.

In October...we went to Atlanta Pride and had a wonderful time.  We watched the parade, ate some greasy festival food, and walked around, looking at all the booths.  We capped the evening off watching Antigone Rising, a band we have liked since we first saw them play at a lesbian dive bar in Long Island during grad school.

The best part of all, though, was the people watching.  I don't know if it's the residual anthropology left in our blood, or our penchant for reality tv, but Amber and I love to people watch.  And nowhere is the people watching better than at Pride.

This year, the thing that struck me the most was the families.  There were families everywhere.  Moms with their babies, toddlers, and kids. Dads with their babies, toddlers, and kids.  Groups of families enjoying the beautiful weather together, spread out on picnic blankets, with three and four strollers lining the perimeter.  Gay teenagers with their middle-aged, straight parents, walking hand in hand as they looked at the PFLAG, HRC, and GLSEN booths.  There were even families where the children had one mom and one dad, and no discernible connection to the gay community.  That's one of the best things about the Atlanta community...gay people are just a part of the fabric of life here.

Waiting for the parade to start.

Hanging out with our little friend A. at her first Pride Festival.

In November...we celebrated Thanksgiving in Orlando with Amber's family.  We had a tasty traditional Thanksgiving dinner with enough turkey, ham, dressing, corn casserole, mac-n-cheese, green beans, and cranberry sauce to last for days.  There were too many desserts to count. Enough to feed a small Eastern European country, I'm pretty sure.

The next day, we all visited Animal Kingdom together for the first time. It was amazing.  I volunteered at the Toledo Zoo, working with monkeys and apes, when I was in college, and spent one summer working in the petting zoo there.  A day trip to a great zoo is still one of my favorite weekend activities.  But, Animal Kingdom is a zoo like only Disney can do it.  In addition to a great African safari with real animals, there were roller coasters, 4-D movies, and plenty of overpriced food and souvenirs, too!  We couldn't have packed more fun into a single day.

In front of the "Tree of Life" at Animal Kingdom

The whole family on the Dinosaur ride.

A close-up so you can see what a chicken I am.  Amber will be our child's "roller coaster buddy", because even the kids' rides scare me!

Petting a goat in the Animal Kingdom petting zoo.  More my speed.

In December...we celebrated our good friend's birthday at one of our favorite restaurants, the Melting Pot. Hot bubbling pots of cheese and chocolate, steak, shrimp, and a bottle of wine?  It doesn't get better than that!  I wish birthdays came everyday!

Post-Fondue Bliss.

We also made a trip to Stone Mountain Park, and walked the five mile trail around the mountain.  Stone Mountain has always been one of our favorite places to visit, and its only 10 miles from the house.  We like to take the dogs swimming in the lake there during the summer, and we enjoy the Songbird Habitat and Garden Trails during the spring.  This was our first hike around the full loop trail, and despite the cold weather, we had a great time!

Taking a hike break.  Byrdie needs no break.

Right before we saw the sign that said "Don't Climb on the Train"

The actual mountain of stone.

They're busily setting up the tubing slope, complete with man-made snow.
Can't wait to come back in January for tubing with friends!

Coming Up Next...the holidays!  It's a busy season, with travels to Florida and Ohio, holiday parties around Atlanta, celebrations at work and with friends.  We're looking forward to every last minute of it!  And, after the holidays, comes Amber's birthday in January and our 13th anniversary in February.  We have so much to look forward to right now.

And of course, more than anything, we're looking forward to the day we'll become parents.  But, until that day comes, we'll keep looking forward to all the moments in between.

x's&o's,

Michelle

Keep Your Heart Inside the Ride at All Times

All's been mighty quiet on the blogging front lately.

My astute reader(s) may have already deduced by now that silence = something, and they'd be right.  Oh sure, when nothing's going on with our adoption journey, I blather on and on right here on this very blog that is supposedly about our adoption journey.  But as soon as something happens, you better believe mum's the word around here.  I'd say sorry, but I did warn you already.  So just let it be a lesson to you, and in the future, if it gets quiet around here... take it as a sign, and just cross your fingers for us, ok?  Can't hurt, might help.

So, what's been going on, you wonder?

Well, if you were here in my living room, I promise I'd present to you--live and in person--a three act interpretive dance chronicling the last two months of our lives.  But, lucky for you (and for my feeble hamstrings), I can't dance on the interwebs.  So, in lieu of that, I found this lovely video that sums it up nearly as well:



chhk-chhk-chhk-chhk....

We are just plugging along up the the giant hill that is this journey to open adoption.  We get an email from the agency saying someone had added our profile to her "favorite family" list.  Minutes later we get the email from her.  She is young...pregnant...scared; only looking at gay families, and she really likes our profile.  She wants to talk and gives us her number to call.

the excitement and anticipation build.  the angle of the climb pushes us back in our seats. we grip tighter to the shoulder harnesses, and giddily twist and dangle our feet below....

Amber calls her first.  They have a great conversation.  It is short, but it is fun and easy.  Not stilted and awkward like some of the calls before.  I talk to her later, and it goes well too.  There are things about her life and her family that concern us, and she is so early on in her pregnancy. We wonder, is she serious?...will she really place?...how will her conservative family feel about her choosing lesbians to raise her child? But, we just like her so much, and it just feels so right, we are willing to take those risks.

So, we keep talking.  Once or twice a week.  And then come the emails, the texts, and the facebook friendships.  It just keeps getting better. We are nervous, but we are hopeful.


we reach the top of the hill, so high up we see nothing but sky. and for one split second, we just hang there.  knowing we are about to careen forward down the slope, but frightened for just a moment that we won't make it over the hump.  scared that instead we'll slip backward down the hill from where we came, only to have to start the ride again....

She's talking to another couple still.  We've known this from the beginning, and we understand it as part of the process.  We can't imagine how she has time or energy, because we can barely eat or sleep, so much of our energy is being poured into her.  We can't imagine how she can have as great of a connection with anyone else, because this just feels so right to us.  But we accept it.  She only has one chance to get this decision right, and she needs to do whatever she needs to do to be sure.


we pitch forward and gravity drops the seats out from under us. speeding down the hill, with the wind blowing our hair and stinging our faces, we feel nothing but pure exhilaration....

She's picked us!  I get her sweet, emotional email early one Sunday morning, and run screaming into the bedroom.  Leaping onto the bed, I wake Amber to tell her the great news.  We are thrilled.  We call her that night and have a wonderful talk.  We chat excitedly about baby names, nurseries, child care and parenting philosophies.  We are all so happy to have found each other.  She plans to call the agency Monday and tell them of her choice.  The agency will call the other couple and tell them she has chosen us.  They will bow out gracefully.  She will submit her paperwork.  Soon we will be matched!


we reach the bottom of the hill, speeding faster now. gravity pushes us hard down into the seats again, and we catch our breath for just an instant.  then suddenly we lurch unexpectedly to the right.  slammed against the side of the shoulder harnesses, we hang on tightly through the curve....

The other couple won't leave her alone, she says.  They are texting and calling and begging her not to choose us.  We are appalled.  Who would do that?  And who would think it would work?  She's upset, put off, and maybe a little afraid.  We are angry, not so much for ourselves but for her.  To make a difficult decision harder for a young woman in this situation is deplorable.

She pulls back a little from us, and we understand.  She is clearly shaken.  She doesn't turn her paperwork in to the agency, and we understand.  We don't push her.  She's been pushed enough.  We want her to know we aren't like them.  We give her the space she needs.  And she comes back, confident again in her decision, sending us ultrasound pictures and updates from her doctor's visits.


we are racing faster now, up another hill and picking up speed.  the track in front of us shoots straight up, and as we enter it we realize we are about to flip upside down.  through the loop we go. we can't tell up from down. the sky and earth tumble over one another.  gravity pulls us one way, the whipping wind blows us another....

She's not who she says she is.  There were signs from the beginning. Stories that didn't quite make sense, details that changed in the retelling.   But we figured teenagers lie sometimes.  They stretch the truth, embellish a story to make themselves sound better.  The agency even assured us, it was not uncommon for someone to tell a few white lies to make their situation sound better or even sometimes, worse.  We give her the benefit of the doubt.  We try to put it out of our minds, and keep getting to know her, hoping the more she trusts us, the more honest she will be able to be.

But then there is Google.  And sometimes the internet tells you more than you really want to know.  And so we know for sure now, that she is not who she claims to be.  She has two lives, really.  An internet life and a real one, and she takes great pains to make sure the two never cross. But we have stumbled into both.


shooting out of the loop, we barely even get our bearings before we enter a corkscrew.  upside down and sideways at the same time, over and over...

We don't know what to do.  We try to come up with reasons why this is happening, why she is doing this.  We give her the benefit of the doubt; far beyond a reasonable doubt.  We actually read scholarly articles on false internet identities among teenagers growing up in this age of the internet, and convince ourselves what she's doing is not entirely insane. And then we realize it is, in fact, Amber and I who are being slowly driven insane by all of this.


finally the spinning and twirling feeling stops. we've come through the corkscrew, and are gliding slower now over small hills.  we are still numb from the sustained disequilibrium, but we can see the end of the track in the distance.  we loosen our grips, and just let the track jostle us along as we wait for this to be over....

The final straw was something silly.  An untruth so slight it hardly seemed worth the effort of lying about.  But there it stood, shining a glaring light on the fact that if she was lying about this, she could be lying about anything.  And really what it meant was that she was probably actually lying about everything.

And so, with nothing left to lose, we press her on it.  And she responds quickly and flippantly with another lie, and a promise that she'd finally turned in her paperwork and our match would soon be official.  We know that it is her last, half-hearted attempt to keep us hooked.  We are sad.  But we are also strangely relieved.


the track flattens out, and we rattle slowly along, nearing the ride's end. we start to take full breaths again.  we move easily in our seats now, noticing for the first time the bumps and bruises from the twists and turns.  but we are both in one piece, and we don't regret getting on the ride....

As we expect, she doesn't really turn in her paperwork.  Instead she tells the agency she is suddenly having doubts about her adoption plan.  We aren't surprised.  We email and tell her we understand, and we wish her well.  And the strange thing is....we honestly do.  We're not mad, just numb.  If she is really pregnant and is really struggling, we hope she gets everything figured out and makes the best decision for herself and her baby.  But, we also tell her that we know she has been untruthful.  We tell her that we can't keep doing this, unless she's willing to be honest.

We send the email and prepare ourselves to never hear from her again.  I hold on to a tiny kernel of hope that she will come clean, apologize, and explain herself, and eventually we will be able to move forward again together.


we enter the dark, covered area where the platform stands, and lurch to a sudden halt.   we are once again thrown against the shoulder harnesses, this time a little harder than expected.  the hydraulics of the ride let out a final loud sigh, and so do we....

She doesn't apologize.  She doesn't say anything.  She just disappears. Poof!  The facebook profile disappears.  The jig is up.  This jig, at least. Maybe she has more.  At this point, we don't care.  We just want out.


we step out of the ride, and stand wobbly-kneed on the platform, blinking into the dark, trying to see which way to go next.  we stumble for a minute, wondering how we will get on another ride, after a mind-boggling ride like this.  we wonder if we'll ever even find another ride in this not-so-amusing park.  


but then we step out into the light of day, put our arms around one another, and decide to just keep taking one step after another, until we eventually find the right ride.  that's what we came here for, we know it's out there somewhere, and we're not leaving until we find it.


I just hope the next time it's more like a merry-go-round.

x's&o's,

Michelle