These Are Days. And Those Were, Too.

This past weekend a good friend of ours from college came up from Florida to visit for the weekend.  We spent the days showing her around Atlanta, hopping from art festival to street fair, stopping for tasty local food and great sushi, and capping the weekend off with a dizzying venture through the wide, wide world of Ikea.  We spent the evenings cooking and eating elaborate farmer's market meals together, and laughing and reminiscing about our college days.

We came away from the street fair with a new wallet for Amber and a cute wooden necklace pendant for me.  From Ikea, we bought a box of wine glasses called "Nordby" (Baby name alert!!.... still kidding) for $4.99.  We got nothing from the art festival, partially because everything was a billion dollars, but mostly because whenever we go to arts and crafts festivals, I mutter the whole time "I could make that."  I'm woefully overconfident about both my artistic skills and my motivation to create art.  We still have a stack of wood pieces in the basement, because I swear I'm going to create an exact replica of a $70 wall hanging we saw at a shop in Blue Ridge a few months ago.  Someday.  When I figure out how.

The new necklace I couldn't have made myself.

But, aside from the new material possessions we acquired this weekend, I acquired--or more accurately was reminded of--two even greater things:  1). I love living in Atlanta (see above), and 2). Amber and I are very lucky to have had the profound and life shaping experiences we had in college (see below).

Amber and I met in college.  Eckerd College, in St Petersburg, FL, to be specific.  It was an awesome place, a place both of us still hold dear in our hearts.  Yes, it was on the beach.  Yes, I went to class barefoot on the regular.  And yes, we had a waterski team instead of a football team (Go Tritons!!).

But, it was more than just a four-year vacation to coastal waters.

It was a small, private liberal arts school, with an emphasis on the "liberal."  We didn't have the usual boring courses many schools have.  There was no English 101, no required US History course.  Instead, there was Biodiversity (I & II), Western Heritage, Marine Biology, and the senior capstone class "Quest for Meaning." Don't get me wrong, the classes were rigorous, the professors were amazing, and we learned everything required of a baccalaureate degree.  But, more than just learning, Eckerd promoted thinking.  It promoted exploring the world and our position in it.  We had two regular semesters a year, plus a one month "Winter Term," where you took one intensive, experiential course.  Amber went to Costa Rica and Nicaragua to study their social welfare systems and volunteer at a refugee camp one Winter Term.  I created my own Winter Term program, and spent a month in the rainforest following capuchin monkeys and studying their behavior.

But, it was more than just four years of classroom learning and field trips.

It was a place where separately, Amber and I discovered who we each were, and together, we realized we were meant to be together.

We were both Anthropology majors, and had seen each other around campus and in a few classes since we were freshmen.  But, it wasn't until the fall semester of junior year, when we both took "Cultures of Sub-Saharan Africa" that we really got to know each other.  We hit it off pretty immediately, but it took us about six months to build up the courage to admit it to each other.  In that six months, though, we spent nearly every waking moment together.  We would set out to study for exams together, but would end up staying up all night, talking in Amber's dorm room instead.  We told each other our life stories.  We shared our innermost thoughts, philosophies, and fears.  And we laughed.  We laughed at ourselves, at each other, and at things that nobody else would even find funny.

And finally, after six months of this ridiculousness, I worked up the courage to tell her that I really liked her. That even though I only ever had dated guys before, I was falling in love with her.  That I wanted us to give this whole 'relationship' thing a whirl.

And she said........nothing.  Not a word.  For like, an eternity!  And then she said:

"Oh, that's not AT ALL what I thought you were going to say!"

And I nearly died.  Or at least I nearly cried.  But then, another eternity later, she said:

"Oh, I mean....that's what I was HOPING you'd say.  I really like you, too"

And, so it began.  Twelve years later, I love her just as much as I did that day.  More, probably.  We've really grown up together.  We have so many shared experiences on which we can look back and laugh.  We have a few memories that make us cry too, but who doesn't?  And at least we've gone through the inevitable difficult things in life together.  We're lucky to have each other, and we're thankful for that.

We're looking forward to welcoming a child into our life, and bringing him or her up in a household full of love.  We want our child to see and know what a solid, honest, loving relationship looks like.  Our greatest hope is that he or she will grow up one day and find "the one,"  the way Amber and I found each other, all those years ago.

Then.  Our first picture together (1998).

Now.  Visiting Eckerd 10 yrs after graduation (2009).

{If this blog post was a movie, this song would play over the closing credits}


x's & o's,

Michelle

Pennyslavia

I started this blog to talk about our adoption process.  Then, we actually started our adoption process, and things began to happen. Then, I chickened out and didn't want to write about it anymore.

Fear of jinxing, my generally shy and private nature, an inability to put it all into words...pick your favorite excuse.  But yes, my faithful blog reader(s), the truth is....I have been holding out on you.  But a month has passed, and I'm ready to 'fess up....so hop in the garbage-eating deLorean with me, and let's Marty McFly it back in time...

[Insert wavy visual effect and bloop-bloop-bloop time travel music here]

August 5, 2010

The phone rang.  

The 1-800 number appeared on the caller id.  

My heart couldn't even skip a beat before my rational, analytical brain reminded me that the call was probably just another wrong number.  Someone calling for WaMu or MetLife again.  Some old dude in middle management with his phone on speaker, and a confused "Um....uhh....I think I have the wrong number....." in reply to my non-automated system "Hello?".  I'd been through this so many times already in the little more than a week we'd been on the books.

But, it's good for one to practice one's warm (but not pressuring), friendly (but not overbearing), excited (but not too excited), "Hello?".  So, I sighed, and picked up the phone, and tried with all my might to convey in that one syllable what a sweet, caring, open person I am.  Just in case Rick from Iowa, who was trying to find out about his policy deductible or his overdrawn account balance, cared.

But, it wasn't Rick.

Instead, a woman's voice said "Is this Michelle or Amber?"  

Or maybe she said, "Can I speak with Michelle or Amber?".  Honestly, I don't remember exactly.  Because at the time, all I could hear was the blood rushing to my head, as my heart made up for that almost-skipped beat by banging double-time, right out of my very chest.  

Despite all appearances, I actually am a rather tough cookie...good head on my shoulders, the kind of person you'd want around in a crisis.  I'm a nurse, for godsakes...it's a job requirement!  But there I stood, in the kitchen, hanging on to the counter for dear life with one hand, frantically grasping around with the other for the cheesy "What to Say When a 'Birthmother' Calls" sheet the agency had told us to tack to the fridge door.  All the while, only being able to mentally process the smallest bits of information.

Her name (and I only got that right on the second try!).

Pregnant.

Saw our profile online.

That's about all I got out of the first minute or so.  The "What to Say" sheet was well-meaning, but rendered completely useless in my trembling hands.

But then she started talking.  And slowly, I was able to breathe again.  And, I mean really...thank god for her, because I was a wreck there at the beginning.  I'm sure she was nervous, too.  She had to be....right?!  I mean, what a phone call to make!  All I had to do was answer it, and I could barely even do that!

But if she was nervous, she certainly didn't show it.  We talked for about a half an hour.  We talked about adoption, and the dumb sappy things other people say on their profiles.  We talked about openness, and what we both thought it might look like in real life.  We talked about the child she's parenting, and the one she's pregnant with now.  We talked about what she wanted in life for both of them.

In the end, I do think we hit it off.  I can say at least that I--for one--liked her!  She seemed smart, very analytical and sure of herself.  She was nice, and friendly, and had clearly done a lot of thinking and research about open adoption. All qualities I truly appreciate in a person.

She called back that evening, after her child was asleep, and spoke with Amber for nearly an hour.  Those who know Amber and I are not at all surprised that she doubles me in conversation length.  I am a woman of few (spoken) words.  Amber is a woman of many.  (One of many reasons that we make a great team!)  It seemed like they hit it off really well, also.  They talked about all sorts of things...family, college, travel, life in Atlanta.  I even heard them laughing!  

But, we haven't heard from her again since that evening.  

I still think about her sometimes though, and I can only imagine what she's going through as she works though making her decision...whatever it may be.  Maybe she's decided to parent.  Maybe she's chosen a couple other than us to parent her child.  Or maybe, life is just really complex when you're parenting a young child, carrying another, and making an adoption plan.  She still has a few months before her baby is born, and I imagine a decision as important as this isn't one that you rush.

So, we wait.  And we hope we hear from her again.  But, we try not to get caught up in it, because we knew from the beginning that this was going to be a process.  We prepared for the fact that there would be "contacts" before "matches", and that it's all a little like dating (which, unfortunately, neither of us knows much about!).  Maybe she's "the one,"  or maybe "the one" is still out there, and we just haven't met her yet.

Either way, our "What to Say" sheet now has "Pennyslavia" permanently scrawled across it in my shaky blue handwriting.  Apparently when you're that nervous and in shock, and you're trying (as all nerds like me do) to take notes, all spelling, phonics, and geography knowledge fly out the window, and that's how you think the name of the state between Ohio and New Jersey is spelled.

Wait....is that a good baby name?!

KIDDING, KIDDING!!

x's&o's,

Michelle

"Give Me the Beat, Boys & Free My Soul"

This weekend we went to a local amphitheatre to see a Jack Johnson concert.  It was such a perfectly relaxing and fun way to draw a busy summer to a close.

I would show you a picture, but the website said "no cameras" and I'm a pathological rule-follower, so I chickened out at the last minute, and didn't bring my camera in.  Of course, once we were inside, everyone else was taking pictures, and I instantly regretted leaving ours in the car.  Not enough to trudge fifteen minutes back through the puddles and mud to the car to get it, though.

So, in lieu of a picture, here's my artistic interpretation in colored pencil:

Before it started raining.

Music has always been a big part of both of our lives.

I grew up listening to my dad's old Bob Dylan, Eagles, and Simon & Garfunkel albums.  In high school, I used to make mix tapes with those songs (and a smattering of Pearl Jam, Indigo Girls, and Counting Crows thrown in) to play on the little tape player I carried around in my 1973 VW Beetle.

Amber remembers rocking out in the back seat of her mom's car, listening to David Bowie 8-tracks while they'd run errands together.  When she was old enough to drive herself, she used to sit in the parking lot of the community college where she was taking an early enrollment class, and blare Melissa Etheridge's "Yes I Am" album over and over again.

Throughout our relationship, music--especially live music--has continued to be important to our lives.  We like all sorts of stuff, but most of our favorites are singer-songwriters..."chicks with guitars,"  or "sensitive poet boys."  Amber's a little more rocking than I am.  She's a sucker for a good beat, and loves to drum along on the wheel as she drives.  I get sucked in by the meaning of the words.  All my personal mottos and mantras come from song lyrics.

In grad school, we spent most of our free time following the Indigo Girls to shows around the northeast.  Big amphitheatres, small club shows, benefit events, and festival concerts....we went to them all.  The Grateful Dead had "dead heads", Jimmy Buffett has "parrot heads,"  and for lack of a better term, I guess we were "indigo heads".

Their music carried me away from the stresses of a graduate program I hated.  Touring gave Amber and I the opportunity to spend hours on the road together, talking about life and love, and laughing about the fun experiences we were having each day.  We have so many great memories, and met so many wonderful people along the way.  We still laugh about standing in line for hours before shows, and having to run to Kmart to buy extra wool socks when we found out just how cold Somerset, MA is in the middle of winter!  But, being pressed up against the stage every night, surrounded by music, love, and friends made the cold early mornings, and the long late night drives completely worth it.

At an Indigo Girls concert in Albany, NY with some of our concert-going friends (2000).

View from the front row at a little club in Boston.

After grad school in New York, we came to Atlanta because we wanted to be in a big, diverse city with warm weather, and to be relatively close to both of our families.  But, honestly, the great music scene was a big draw for us too.  There are so many little hole-in-the-wall bars, small theaters, and "listening rooms" where you can hear great live music any day of the week.  We were lucky enough to see Atlanta natives, Sugarland, play one of their very first shows ever, and we watched them play at larger and larger venues around town as they started to make it big.

Sugarland returns to Eddie's Attic, in Decatur, GA, site of their first show

Now that we're older, have "real jobs", and generally are yawning and ready for bed between 10:00 and 11:00pm, we don't run all over the place to see concerts anymore.  We still enjoy the Indigo Girls, and try not to miss them whenever they are in town, but our days of touring are happy, but distant memories.  Our favorite "date night" activity now is a nice, relaxed concert...preferably one where we can sit down, have some wine and snacks, and be home in time not to regret it in the morning.  Jack Johnson was just that kind of show, and we're looking forward to seeing Brandi Carlile and the Avett Brothers at one of our favorite venues in September.

Although the way we see music has changed over the years, our love for the experience has not.  As we move into the "next phase" in our life, I'm looking forward to seeing music in a new way...through our child's eyes. We're looking forward to those lazy Sunday autumn afternoons when we can take our toddler (with proper ear protection, of course) to relax on a blanket with a picnic lunch, and listen to local bands playing at the Dogwood or Candler Park Festivals.  I can't wait to buy great children's music for our kid, and can already hear myself singing (loud and off-key, as per usual) to the indie rock and folk tunes of "Mary Had A Little Amp" in the car.  I hope that music will surround our child, and that he or she will grow up with music in his or her heart, the way Amber and I both have.

One (of many) of "our songs"....


x's&o's,
Michelle

Trust Women.

A few weeks ago, I read this article about why birth moms don't get the respect they deserve, and it has really stuck with me.

You should go read it right now. (Go ahead....I'll wait right here until you get back.)

The article talks a great deal about the stereotypes that exist in our society about adoption.  The major one being the three-pronged doozy that frames the "adoption triad" (i.e., adoptive parents, child, birth mom) as follows:  "Adoptive parents are saints/angels/selfless people who are rescuing/saving a lucky baby from a young, scared, unprepared, irresponsible, poor, uneducated girl who "got herself pregnant" and then just decided to "give her baby away" on a whim."

Can I get a resounding "BOOOOO!!" to that?!  I mean seriously.

There are SO many things wrong with that stereotype, I don't even know where to start.  The nurse in me wants to start with the "got herself pregnant" part.  I've seen a lot of things in the hospital, but I've yet to see a woman be able to impregnate herself.  Despite that, "got herself pregnant" sure is a popular turn of phrase.  But, I digress.

If you haven't heard adoptive parents, birth moms, and children placed for adoption described in these terms, you probably haven't spent much time talking about adoption.  I don't know where it comes from, or why it's so pervasive in our society, but I have my theories.  And, what's a blog for, if not for blathering on about one's theories?!  So, here goes.

Adoption makes a lot of people uncomfortable.  People don't like to be uncomfortable.  They like stories to be happy, and neat, and tied with little bows.  They don't like life to be sometimes messy, or decisions to be sometimes painfully difficult.  When they think about adoption in the terms I described above, they feel more comfortable.  The story has a simple and happy ending, when it's just about heroes (adoptive parents) rescuing a baby.  And if there's a hero, there must be a villain, and people just comfortably slip into the idea that the birth mom must fit that role.  And the added bonus of that view is that if she's the villain, they don't have to worry about her feelings, or her thoughts.  In fact, many people just take the extra step of deciding to just deny that she even HAS thoughts or feelings.  Because it's much easier to just assume she rolled out of bed one day, noticed herself pregnant, and made a snap decision to place her child with just any old family she could find.

I don't know many women who have made the decision to place their children for adoption.  Not in person, anyways.  But, from what I do know, I am here to promise you that who most people assume a "birth mother" is, is not even remotely close to the truth.

Take, for instance, the movie Juno. Sure, it was a happy little story, tied up with a Hollywood bow.  It didn't show the real life struggle, pain, and confusion that women considering placing go through.  It didn't show the normal grieving process they go through after placement.  But, in all the various backlash about the movie, the thing that sticks out to me most was the complaint made by some that real-life birth mothers aren't this smart, this witty, this driven, or this sure of themselves and their decision.

From what I've seen, real-life birth moms very much ARE all of those things.  And more.

At our agency's workshops, I've had the opportunity to hear birth moms speak on why they chose open adoption, and what life is like after placement.  I've watched real birthmothers on "Adoption Diaries" (basically "A Baby Story" for open adoption) go through the matching and relinquishment process alongside the adoptive couples they chose for their child.  Catelynn from MTV's "16 & Pregnant" and "Teen Mom" is one of my favorite people on TV.  I love how she and Tyler show each and every week that placing a child for adoption does not make you any less of a parent.  There is not enough space on the internet for me to talk about the many amazing women who blog about their experiences as first moms in open adoptions on a daily basis.

All of these women have every bit of the confidence, the brains, and the commitment to making a heart-wrenchingly difficult decision, because they know in their heart of hearts that it's the right decision not just for themselves, but for their child.  Ellen Page's character in Juno barely even holds a candle to them.

I don't know how or when things will change for how some people view women who place their children for adoption.  I do think that open adoption has been a catalyst for change that has already started, and it will continue to help drive change forward.  As we bring adoption out of the shadows, and more and more women can openly and proudly claim the title of birth mother (or first mother), more people will see birth mothers for who they really are.  And, if anyone wants my opinion on the matter (and, even if they don't)...well, I'm more than happy to oblige.......

x's&o's,
Michelle

Really Real

Drumroll, please.....



Thank you.  (Man, I really love that movie....)

It's the news you've all been waiting for.  Or, at least the news WE'VE been waiting for.

We're officially approved to adopt, and listed on our agency's website.

And, you can even Google us!

We're so excited to finally be out there, where pregnant women who are considering open adoption can actually find us.  We've spent a long seven months getting to where we are, and we know it's just the beginning of a lifelong journey.  But, it feels great to be at this point, and we're looking forward to what the future will bring.

x's&o's,
Michelle

"Dear Birthmother,"

I took 11 years of dance as a child...ballet, tap, jazz. I was a cheerleader for 5 years. I even dabbled in gymnastics.

Amber is freakishly double-jointed by nature. I joke that it's her body's attempt to protect itself, because she's also spectacularly prone to falling down. The path her body manages to take between upright and flat on the ground makes Olympic divers' medal winning performances look simplistic.

With all this flexibility between us--learned or natural-born--you'd think we'd be skilled at bending and contorting ourselves into particular shapes. You'd think we'd be great at squeezing ourselves into small spaces. Turns out when that small space is a 4-page color glossy brochure, and the entirety of our lives and what makes us special is the thing we're trying to twist and mold into it, no amount of flexibility is enough.

But, that's what writing a so-called "Dear Birthmother" letter required. So, that's what we set out to do.

For those of you saying "A 'Dear Who' what?!," lemme just say, I'm with you on the mild confusion by and slight distaste for the very title. I mean, who says that? It feels a little presumptious, really. To refer to someone as the woman who will give birth to the child that will some day become ours--when we don't even know her, haven't even met her--feels strange.

And for her...maybe she hasn't even completely decided what to do yet. She's considering her options.

Or maybe not. Maybe she's already decided--like we have--that open adoption just feels right.

But either way, I imagine her sitting there, sifting through 4-page color glossy brochures, and suddenly--there we are--warm and smiling, staring up at her from the page. And she decides to look just a little closer, and learn just a little more about who we are.....

And so--without further ado--here they are.......the four glossy color pages that represent our very best attempt to show her, truly, who Michelle Pratt and Amber Amari really are:

Michelle and Amber's Open Adoption "Dear Birthmother Letter"

x's&o's,

Michelle

Living the Life We're Writing About

Ok, so apparently I'm not going to be very good at this blogging thing. It's been over a month since my last post. 

We're still busily plugging away at our adoption stuff.  We're just days away from "final file approval", the last step before we will be officially ready to wait to adopt.  Our home study is done. We have a great "birthmother letter" finished.  We hired a wonderful designer to make it look pretty, and as soon as our adoption coordinator approves it, we'll send it off to the printer!  I've been working on our website, we have our 1-800 number up and running, and we're getting ready to set up a Facebook page.

It's hard, sometimes, when you're devoting so much time to trying to package your exciting life into a perfect 4 page color glossy brochure to have any time left over to actually live your exciting life!  But we're doing our best.  So, in honor of that, here's a list of some of the fun things we've been doing since I blogged last....

We pretended it was 1985...I volunteer for a local women's health group in Atlanta, and our end-of-the-year fundraiser this year was a 1980's-themed party. The committee I'm on put a lot of time and effort into organizing this event, and it turned out really well! Amber and I had so much fun making our costumes, and laughing at how silly we looked. I had so much gel and hairspray in my hair, it was ridiculous! I even made a faux-mullet for Amber. The picture doesn't even do it justice.

I still laugh out loud when I see this pic!

We went to Mexico...We were lucky enough to attend our second destination wedding of the year when my cousin Chris got married in Playa del Carmen, Mexico. The wedding was small, beautiful, and right on the beach. We had a great time with my parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The most relaxing part for me was laying out on the beach while eating chicken nachos from the hotel restaurant. It doesn't get better than that!! We also had a great jet ski adventure, and Amber went parasailing with my dad. Mom and I watched from the safety of the beach!!

Amber & I with my Mom & Dad in Mexico.

Getting ready for our jet ski adventure!

We had Amber's mom come visit...Amber's mom came up from Orlando to spend a week with us at the end of May. We had a great time together. She and Amber went to the farmer's market and picked out fresh ingredients to make a great Sicilian meal. We enjoyed the warm Atlanta weather, grilling out in our backyard, and we took Amber's mom to one of our favorite sea food restaurants in Atlanta. Eating great food was definitely the theme that week!

Amber's mom & I relaxing our our backyard patio

Amber & her mom grill up some great chicken & veggie burgers

Amber visited Macon...Amber and her mom also spent the day in nearby Macon, Georgia, visiting Amber's great grandmother, Nanny.  Nanny is such an amazing woman.  She's 96 years old and still lives in her own house, next door to the general store she and Granddaddy once operated. Nanny's excited about our plan to adopt, and is looking forward to meeting her great-great-grandchild one day!

Amber & Nanny.

We built a playground....Our good friends Katie & Nicole bought a GIANT playground for their two children, and we helped them build it.  I was in charge of everything organizational...there were so many nuts, bolts, and pieces of wood, and the manual was thicker than the dictionary!  Amber and Nicole did the actual dirty work of drilling, hammering, and nailing.  In the end, the playground looks amazing.  Their kids love it, and I know our child will enjoy it one day too!

I almost look like I know what I'm doing!

Amber & Nicole work on the playground platforms.

We gardened....Amber and I are both trying our hands at gardening lately.  We have a big yard, lots of plants, two decks, a swing, and a fenced area for the dogs.  I like to make things pretty, so I've been trying to grow some flowers around the yard.  So far, I've successfully kept begonias, zinnias, and marigolds alive!  We also have some beautiful lilies, azaleas and hydrangeas that bloom each year.  Amber has started an herb garden as well this year.  We're looking forward to flavoring our grilled meats and veggies with fresh dill, thyme, basil, and rosemary from our yard!  If all goes well with the herbs, we're gonna move on to vegetables next.  Fingers crossed!!

My pretty orange flowers

The herb garden.

So, that's what we've been up to over the last month or so!  My next post will be when we are officially on the books and will include the final draft of our birthmother letter.

Here's hoping my next post will be soon!

x's&o's,
Michelle